Monday, April 30, 2012

Searches that brought people to my blog

I love Google Analytics. I only look at it once a week but it gives great stats on your blog traffic. Here are some of the stranger internet searches that people did that found my blog:

The fattest person in Downingtown

The Village People bulging crotch

People with penis hotdog forks

retarded dude with long hair

bushy Breznev's eyebrows

sad old people

sasquatch woman (proud to say I'm number ONE in the Google rankings for this important creature)

asian nipple colour

black male chubby chasers in Northeastern Pa

do guy friends rub butts?

        And the TOP searches Ive gotten this year? Here are a few:

Jennifer Aniston Horrible Bosses.

Is Bobby Sherman Gay?

Homies (these are small collectible latino toys)

Retarded People

Jim Zibbs (looks like some people are trying to find me. NOTE: My real last name isn't Zibbs)

Eddie Munster

Semonski Sisters (singing chicks from The Lawrence Welk Show)

So there you go.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Mattress Giant In Exton Better Be Prepared. Practical Jokes.

I have to admit I've gotten pretty lame lately when it comes to doing practical jokes. Maybe when my son gets home from college for the Summer I'll see if he's up for doing some. Of course he might say, "Dad I'm too old for that kind of stuff now."

You're NEVER too old for practical jokes.

I guess I was thinking about him and practical jokes when I drove by the Mattress Giant in Exton. When he was about six we were driving by and I said, "Lets pull into Mattress Giant and demand to see the Giant."

He was like, "Yeah! Let's do it!"

"Maybe you can go in by yourself and say, "I demand to see the Mattress Giant and when they refuse you can say 'But he's my real father!'"

"Yeah lets do it. Please? Come on! Pull over!"

He totally would have done it but I guess I was fee feeling responsible that day so I said no. But for the next few months everytime we would drive by we would add scenarios of what we could do. Hmmm. I wonder  if he would still do it?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Most Delicious and Stinky Kitchen Smells Declared By Chester County Man.

What do you think the most delicious and stinky kitchen smells are? Foodwise that is. Mine are....

Delicious: Shallots and garlic cooking in a pan that is being deglazed by white wine. Oh my God. Heavenly. I love the little shallot. And garlic? Couldn't live without it. And deglazing a pan is probably my favorite kitchen task. Next to eating the food. Awwww yeah...up high *looks around for someone to high five*

Stinkiest: And now on to the stinkiest. I guess for me it has to be sour milk. Except it's rare that I smell it because the day it hits the expiration date it's down the sink with you. You stinky bastard. But on that rare occasion that I've dumped it and lumps come out?....Uhhhggg! Makes me ill!

Dream I Had Last Night. Andy Richter and Chris Elliot.

I fell asleep with Conan on last night then woke up in the middle of this dream:

I was at a party and I ran into Andy Richter (who I think is hysterical). We were joking around and then....

Andy: We really should hang out some time. I know we just met but my wife and I have this vacation house and we go almost every weekend with a few people. Why don't you come by?

Me: Sounds good to me. Can I bring a date?

Andy: Sure.

Then all of a sudden Chris Elliot is standing next to him (who I also think he's hysterical)

Chris Elliot: Hey why don't you come to MY vacation house?

Me: (sarcastically) Well it looks like we may have a bidding war on our hands. So what do each of you have to offer?

They both look at me like, "Are you an idiot?" and both start walking away. Andy Richter is heading up an elevator.

Me: OK Andy, maybe I'll just go to the person's house that is closer. Where's YOUR vacation house.

Andy: (Giving me the look of "F You") Wisconsin.


Monday, April 23, 2012

Don't Stop Believing. Orangutan.

Could you imagine if I had this baby orangutan as a pet?? I bet I'd have more friends. Can you imagine? I step out of a car and it's all, "Hey Zibbs is here."

Then I'm all, "Not so fast." and I open the door and Harriet jumps out.

It could happen.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Second Levon Helm Tribute. In My Top Ten Songs.

I know I just posted a Levon Helm song but I need to post another. This is another one from The Last Waltz. The Weight. This is probably in my top ten of favorite songs and my top live performance song.

Just tugs at the old heart strings don't you think?

OK. Come comfort me. This song seriously makes me tear up every time I hear it.

RIP Levon Helm. You Were The Best. The Band. Ophelia.

Sad day. Levon Helm from The Band died. Here he is in the Last Waltz singing Ophelia.

And if you haven't watched The Last Waltz you should rent it. Best concert movie ever. (Levon is the singer on the drums)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

When I Get Obsessive About Certain Foods. Doc Magrogan's.

I've got a pretty obsessive personality if you haven't figured that out. Especially with food. I'll find something then think about it then eat too much of it then I kind of get sick of it. The foods include:

Pork Carnita's (Don Gabriels).

Pistacios (store bought).

Hot Pork Sandwiches (Luigi and Giovanni's in Newtown Square - Sundays only).

Hand Carved Roast Beef (Nick's Old Original Roast Beef in Springfield, PA).

Sushi (Wasabi in West Chester). I like the spicey tuna and Philly roll best.

And now?.......

Oysters*. MMMMMMMMMM. Those beauties above were purchases at Doc MacGrogan's in West Chester. They have buck a shuck night on Monday's. Oh baby. I'm going to try and not go back for a while though so I don't get sick of them.

And in other food related obsession news I'm super responsive to food commercials. I've been known to watch a food commercial on TV and then turn off the TV and drive to the place that's advertising the food. I haven't done that in a while but I was talking to a friend on Sunday and I was telling her how I rarely drink soda. Well I got so thirsty for soda while we were talking about it that I drove to Wawa and got a fountain soda.

I think advertisers like me.

*This is how I like to eat oysters: Squeeze of lemon, dash of tabasco, dollop of cocktail sauce, slide into mouth then three or four chews to release they're oceany goodness, then swallow (TWSS)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Beer Choices In The 80's. Slim Pickins. Mickey's Malt Liquor.

Remember that beer you see above? Mickey's with the wide mouth? Malt Liquor really but still.

That was one of the few beer choices back in the early eighties. To tell you the truth Mickey's was just a novelty because of the wide mouth but here are the others that were the basic six pack beers. Let me know if I'm missing any....

Miller (the champagne of beers) - We'd sometimes get the pony size.

Bud - Never a fan of.

Michelob - this was a bit pricier but was pretty smooth. Remember pulling the loop off of the label? And if it didn't cut the words off it was good luck or some shit? Jerome Desmond in 10th grade claimed, "Man, NOBODY gets sick on Michelob. It's the way it's brewed!" Then proceded to puke after having four.

Lowenbrau - One of the few fancy ass imports.

Genesee 12 horse - Gross.

Genesee Cream Ale - King of the diarrhea inducing beers.

Molson - Imported from Candada. Known to get easily skunked.

Moosehead - The moose is friggin' loose! This was my favorite in 12th grade.

Heineken - Pricey back in the day. Always had a weird aftertaste but I'll still get one once and a while for the memories.

I'm sure there are a few others but that was about it folks. (Here in Southeastern PA)

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Soul Train Dancers Got It. Do You? Erf, Wind and Fire.

OK i'm going to be brutally honest here. You need to know. You're going to try and dress like them...but you're going to look like a fool. You're going to try and dance like them....sadly, you're going to humiliate yourself, them and me.

Just please, enjoy them but do NOT try and emulate the Soul Train dancers:

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Really Need Us To Start Dressing The Same

I need you to know this. We really need to start dressing the same. All the time. The picture above should be our first outfit.

And lets start walking in sync at the beginning too. OK?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

This Is A Way I Torture My Daughter. Deodorant.

This is how I've been torturing my daughter. I'll get out of the shower and put pants on (one leg at a time like you guys) then realize I'm out of deodorant. So I'll stand in her doorway and sloooooowly reach my hand in toward her deodorant.

Daughter: Oh no Dad. Please?

Me: (acting surprises) Oh what? Sorry. I just need to borrow some of your precious deodorant.

*Slowly applies deodorant and makes a face as if it's super refreshing*

Me: Awww yeah that's doing it....Yup.. Wait. Why are you making that face? Like you just smelled eggs or saw something gross. Wait? Do you think I'm gross??

Daughter: No...uh...nothing. That's OK.

Me: OK. Let me just finish up here and I'll be on my way. (does one last swipe) Annnnnd DONE!

Sometimes I'll leave the room and come back....

Me: Sorry. I think I missed a spot...

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Famous Chester County Blogger Suffers Head Injury.

*Approaches podium*

No. I'm OK...settle down people..settle down.

You might have heard that I was injured recently and am sporting a gash on my forehead. I was NOT in a knife fight. You see, I usually use an atlas in my car as a food tray when I'm eating in my car but today I used this huge binder. It's a huge manual that I tried to slip in a box with books and hand off to the Exton Goodwill until they spotted it. "No manuals Sir!" So I threw it in my backseat.

So after I was done eating (Five Guys Burger and Fries) I heaved this concrete block sized binder into the backseat and the side of it ripped my forehead.


The gash is only about an inch long and as thin as a playing card (sideways view) but still. It took a few dabs of a tissue to get the blood off but like I said...I'M OK.

I will now open the room to questions.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Time I Was Second Choice And Wristbands From The Seventies.

See that beauty in the picture? The wristband? Not the fake hand. Well not to brag but I owned a pair in 3rd grade. A kid named...well....lets call him Heith Kopton in case he's reading my blog.

The way I got them was this....

Heith: Hey Jimmy do you want to come to my house on Saturday for my birthday?

Me: I think I can. I'll have to check.

Heith: OK. My twin sister and I each get to invite one person and I'm choosing you.

Me: (feeling a bit special) Oh OK.

Heith: My first choice was Keith Wright but he can't go.

Me: Oh....OK.

Heith: So that's why I chose you. You're my second choice. Here's a set of wristbands for you. I have a set too. Let's start wearing them.

Hey at least I got some wristbands out of the deal. I wonder what Keith Wright was offered?

And I later did get Heith back for choosing me second by making him laugh so hard at lunch that milk came out of his nose. And he started crying and got pissed at me. That's called Karma you bitch ass!

Oh yeah. And he only had seven and a half toes too. So there's that.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Ben Stiller Melrose Heights. Andy Dick.

One of my favorite comedy series I have on DVD that I can watch over and over is the Ben Stiller Show. Have you seen it?? Check this sketch out:

..and Andy Dick has a great podcast if you didn't know. It's on itunes. Check it out.