Wednesday, November 23, 2011

West Chester Blogger Shares Thanksgiving Tradition. Bobo The Clown.

I love traditions. I'd like to share a bit of my Thanksgiving tradition with you the reader. Above is a picture of last year's Thanksgiving. The day before actually. That's Charles the Turkey.

Look at him go!

We like to cage the bird and pamper him for a few hours know.

So we give him special treats, sing traditional Pilgimy sounding songs, dance around his cage and taunt him playfully with sticks.

Then, it's time for Bobo the clown to begin his slaying. So he slowly circles the cage. The bird senses something is wrong. And starts darting all over the cage. During this all the kids pull a feather from the Negro Indian head (total fucking heirloom and valuable as shit) and hand their feather to Bobo.

Bobo picks the smallest feather and the child that gave him that feather gets to hold the gobbler to the stump while Bobo chops his head off.

We then give the turkey to Nana who defeathers it and cleans it.

What traditions do YOU guys have?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Invention Idea For Secretly Taking Pictures of People. Lookalike At Victory Beer.

So I was out with my son the other night getting some food at Victory Beer and....

Me: Hey look. I didn't know your Uncle Mike was here.

Son: (looks at dude who is actually a lookalike) Haha. I was thinking the same thing.

Me: (referring to his necklace) And looks like the Sasquatch sized Uncle Mike is into jewelry.

Son: Dad, Sasquatch Uncle Mike likes to call it "bling."

And the sad thing is....I would have LOVED to get a photo but didn't know how to do it discreetly. That's what sucks with cameras on phones. You see a perfect, photo ready specimen and you can never get their picture. Sure, you can wear an Abe Lincoln type hat and conceal it in there but who the hell wants to go through THAT trouble? ...and you have to set the timer..No thanks!

So my idea is a camera that's built into one of those nerdy ass bluetooth ear pieces. And you look at your phone to control the direction of the camera. And when you have your photo specimen in view? ...Click. Captured. On your phone.

Seriously don't know why this hasn't been invented. I would have a blog just of lookalikes and freaks that I see. Well, I guess we'll have to wait for the world of tomorrow.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Tina Turner Doin' Her Stuff Holmes! Ass Shakin' Yo!

Here's a song that I listen to on my Ipod. Ike and Tina doing Proud Mary.

And check out the booty shake at 3:46. God Dyaaaaaaaaammm!!!!! Those girls know how to shake some ass holmes!!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I Accidentally Looked In Somebody's Email In Exton. Is God Mad At Me Now?

It's true. I went on a computer at the library the other day and when it said, "Would you like to restore your last session?" I clicked, "HELL YEAH!"

Then..there it was. A stranger's email. Mine for the picking.

Honestly, I would never look in a friend's email or my kid's because I would feel so bad. But a faceless stranger? Meh. I'll take a sneak peek. *taps fingertips together*

And I kind of hit the mother load. It was some chick's email that she uses for talking to people in some porn group. And the porn group was people that were into choking while having sex. So of course I went to the sent folder and there was an email that said, "I miss talking to you. I wish we were having sex now. How are things with you?"

And it was to another chick! Awwwww yeaaah!

But sadly that was the only good email. There were some pictures of chicks being gagged but that was it. But I did Google the girl's name because I wanted to see what she looked like but couldn't find a picture. Damn it!

So would any of you guys do the same thing? And don't THINK about lying.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Something That Strangers Used To Ask ME. Close Your Eyes.

Here's something that's kind of odd that I was thinking of the other day. When I was between about 8 and 11 for some reason my eyelids looked kind of blueish sometimes. I'm assuming it was veins in my eyelids that made them look blueish but it wasn't like you could see veins or anything. It was just that sometimes that looked blueish. I don't know.

And I can't recall if it was only when it was cold outside or not.

But what I DO recall is that at least on 30 - 40 occasions somebody - usually a stranger - would be looking at me and ask, "Are you wearing eye shadow?"

Or worse yet they would look at me with a confused look and say, "Close your eyes for a second."


Then they would either say, "Oh. OK." And and kind of nod their head in a "Just what I expected" kind of way or ask, "Are you wearing eye shadow?"

And nobody has ever said that since I was 11. Has anyone ever heard of this? I never thought to tell my mom at the time so she could ask the doctor so it remains a mystery.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Remember When This Happened In Junior High? West Chester North.

Remember in the 8th grade at North Junior High when Richard Bulls would draw a picture of Paul Lambert's huge, volzwagon hood domed thumbnail, show it to us and say, "PAUL CLUBS SHIT TEETH LAAAAAAAMBERT!"

Remember? This is what it looked like:

Then he would start banging his thumb in a slow motion as if it were a giant hammer and pretend to crush things? Remember that?

Monday, November 14, 2011


I was a party this weekend hosted by a Twitter friend of mine. Had a great time and met some great people.

So I was introduced to this one young chippy and she said she followed me on Twitter. But I didn't recognize her name because she doesn't tweet that much (but I did look her up later and I did recognize who she was). She was really funny. Chit chat, riffing and laughs were exchanged....

So she sends me a tweet later that night that say...Are you sitting down for this? says: "You're totally hot in person." You read that right. Awwww yeah. I still got it!

I thanked her on Sunday for the compliment then she later tweeted: "I just spent my nap dreaming about the perfectness of you hair."

And now the big news. Please. Remain seating. While spending the next half hour staring at my hair in the mirror and pretending that it was being blown by the wind I made a decision. Are you ready? .....

I've decided to be the spokesman for Wegman's brand styling hair gel #8!! YES I DID! I may also consider endorsing #9 but I don't want to seem like a shallow shill so I may endorse #9 as an alter ego. Perhaps as a pirate. Or as a tycoon in the emerging wind power industry. Not sure yet.

As I'm sure you may know, I used to use LA Looks brand styling gel but stopped. And did they ever offer me an endorsement deal? No. So they can just suck it. I'm going with Wegmans.

I'll keep you updated on all the details.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I Hate When Movies Have Crappy Bands. Satisfaction. Justine Bateman.

Somebody. Get. My. Spitup Bucket.

Because I just woke up and turned the TV on and the Justine Bateman movie "Satisfaction" was on. Julia Roberts is in it too. I hate when movies have bands and the bands are terrible. And the actor's are getting all into into and you're supposed to believe that they're a great band.

Like in this clip below. They start playing and the people in the audience have these expressions like they're slowly seeing something amazing. Like slowly they're all, "What?..What?...I think we're onto something here. Oh my God this music is unbelievable!" As if they're seeing the Beatles for the first time.

And the chick bands are the worst. They're hot but they're biting there lips and dancing around the way they think rockers should. I bet the director was like, "CUT! OK I need you to do like a shoulder lean in and really get into it. Maybe have a slightly angry expression."

And the other thing I hate about movies like this AND TV shows that have bands are the extras they hire to dance. Every time I see it I look at the crowd and think, "Nobody dances like that."

Oh and they also tortured Elvis Costello's "Mystery Dance. " Sickening. Here's the terrible quality clip:

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Do Moms Still Do This? Get That Kettle Going. Ants.

When I was a kid, there always seemed to be groups of ants around. Usually from someone dropping a popsicle or some other food. I remember being fascinated with them. Sometimes I would flick a stick into the group and to see if they'd come back to the food.

Then, my Mom would come out and see the ants and freak out, "Oh no! Get away from the ants! They'll get in the house."

She always claimed that "once you have ants you never get rid of them." But I think she was also afraid people would see ants in our house and think that we're "dirty people."

Then she'd going inside, start the "kettle" - as she called it - until water was boiling. Once I heard the kettle whistling I knew the end was near. She'd then come out and pour the scalding water onto the ants and in a June Cleaverish voice say, "OK. That should do it."

Do people still do this?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Baby Girl Is 15. Life Is Going By FAST!

Oh my God my baby girl is 15 today!

*big ole' sigh*

That's her when she was little. (Sorry for the crappy quality. I took a picture of a picture.)

I remember when my kids were born. The one thing that people told me is that the time just flies by. And it's so true. So enjoy it. Life is short people.

And now she's a beautiful young lady. I'm finding that girls are harder to raise than boys. I think because I have a harder time getting on my daughter's case. With my son I'd be like, "What the hell were you thinking!" But I just can't bring myself to raising my voice with my daughter.

And the dating thing? Oh my God. It hasn't started yet but I'm dreading it. She's so beautiful and I'm just waiting for her to tell me that an 11th grader asked her on a date. Oh God. I can't even think about it.

YOU CAN WIN!! Chicktionary Contest Everyone! Anna Lefler.

In addition to hobnobbing with kings and being consulted by heads of state I also run in the circle of authors. Take for example my friend Anna Lefler (@AnnaLefler on Twitter).

Well let me tell you, she's pretty darn funny. She also has a blog: Life Just Gets Weirder. (Click on the link to view her blog).

So anyways, she just wrote this hysterical book called CHICKtionary. And she sent me a signed copy (with a note saying that I'm funny AND charming). I've been reading it and I give it a thumbs up. I laughed out loud at least five times before I got through the B's and I don't laugh out loud that often when reading a book. Do you want a copy? Well you're in luck.

RULES: To enter to win, leave a comment in this blog post OR retweet the link that I'll be putting up from my Twitter accounts @DrZibbs and @FatherKelly. I will pick one random person as the winner and will email or DM you if you've won and ask for your address. I You have until 11/13 to enter. Good Luck!

Now check out Anna's promo for the book:

Monday, November 7, 2011

Hysterical Post Halloween Video. Candy.

Dominica aka @MrsMushiMushi tweeted this to me. Hysterical. Especially the last kid.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Did Any of You Ever Do This While Gettin' It On? Hitchin' A Ride.

Did any of you ever have sex to the song "Hitchin' A Ride?" And you thrusted to the beat of the song? And the expression on your face was one one of excitement? Like wide eyed and mouth open? Like the expression of someone that just walked into a surprise party? But your face frozen in that expression the entire time?

And during it your mate played the recorder part that's in the song?

No? Uh...yeah me neither. I....I never did that. That's just dumb. Yeah. Never did that.

*looks at shoe and kicks imaginary rock then runs away*

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

West Chester Man Ignores Idiot at Victory Beer. Downingtown.

I've always enjoyed talking to interesting strangers. But bore asses? Forget it. And I'm pretty good at sizing people up before I make initial contact.

But in the days of old if some weirdo started talking to me I would be friendly and talk back. Not anymore. I've aged if you will. Like how I told people in the movie theater the other month to stop talking. So I was in Victory Beer* the other week and some dude sat next to me and this is what this was his actual opening statement...

Dude: So I was at the Post Office and they take your picture with the white background. My mom said I had to get the picture taken and then I'll send one to my girlfriend who lives in Guatamala.

(I just keep staring ahead).

Dude: (responding to TV) Man this country is messed up these days man. I don't know how they're gonna turn it around. Right?

(I look at him and just nod. I notice he's got this fucked up eye).

Then he babbles on about things. On and on. Probably said at least seen or eight more things. I don't say a word. In the past I would have talked to the dude because I'm so fucking polite but there's no way I'm going to spend an hour talking to this idiot. So finally...

Dude: (frustration in his voice) You know...You looked like an intelligent guy. I was just trying to have a conversation.

This is when I turned and I swear to God I said this...

Me: I'm sorry. I can't hear. (As if I was deaf).

OH YES I DID!! Case closed!

*And that beer pictured is the Victory Beer "Silver Back". It's a combo of Storm King Stout and Golden Monkey. Pretty darn tasty.

Carvel Commercials. Who Will Win? Your Voice Counts.

And speaking of Fudgie the Whale (see last post) are you guys familiar with Carvel and it's commercials? They were huge on the East Coast in the 70's and 80's. Here are the top three.

Which one do you like? And why?

Cookie Puss and Hug Me The Bear (listen for the slide whistle)

Fudgie The Whale (Have a Happy Day Dad)

Cookie O'Puss (high tech and space age as shit! And excellent use of the word "Puss" in a food product)