Tuesday, November 30, 2010

How I Used To Torture People With Secret Santa. Brooke Shields.

Does anyone do the Secret Santa at work? We used to do it and I would love to torture people with it.

I would torture people because there were a few women in the department that would practically break into tears when their present would get stolen. As if they couldn't just go out and spend $15 on the bottle of wine that was just taken from them.

So every time a really good gift was revealed and one of the crybabies got it, we would pressure the next person to take it away, "Come on Jill. You HAVE to take that bottle of wine...Come on...do it! Do you know how good that wine is?..The next present could be junk!"

One year my gift was a little thing I liked to call,"Things From My Garage". It was a wrinkled, brown paper bag full of various things like nails, sandpaper, etc. Basically....things from my garage.

Most of the women were like, "Come on! You can’t do that! That's not fair!" But I'd say, "Sure it is, have you priced nails and sandpaper lately? They're very expensive. May I suggest re-gifting it to perhaps a brother or Uncle that is handy?"

At the end of everything I did reveal that there was cash hidden in at the bottom of the box. I forget if it was $40 or $50 but it was way more than the limit that was supposed to be used for gifts. You should have seen the look some of the faces. Oh the regret.

Another year, knowing that one woman in the department had an obsession with Brooke Shields, I put a few random things in the box including a book about Brooke Shields and I forged a signature. I even went online and copied the Brook Shields signature because the woman in the department actually owned things that had Brooke's autograph on it. But the funny thing is that she didn't know I knew about her obsession because she was embarrassed about it so it was supposed to be this big secret. But everyone knew.

So my present gets picked and the person is going through the random things and says, "A Brooke Shield's book? That's weird."

Everyone is kind of rolling their eyes and I say, "Look inside. It's autographed."

Well the Brooke Shields fan's eyes light up and she's like,"Can I see that?" But she's trying to play it cool. She looks at the autograph and it's obvious on her face that
"this thing is real!" Like shes an antiques roadshow expert or something. She looks around to play it cool in the way someone would flip through a book and
find $500 hidden in it. You know what Ann? It’s friggin’ Brooke Shields. Nobody cares.

Well she finally ends up with the Zibbs Potpouri box. All excited and shit. I did feel kind of bad so at the end of the whole thing I told her it was a fake autograph. You know, so she didn't try and get it valued and find out it was worthless. As if the real thing would be worth anything anyway. Right? Right?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Confession. I Bought Something At Chess King in 1981.

Whoa! Look at sweet Michael Jacksonish jacket that was available at the Chess King retailer in 1983!

I was always a jeans and flannel shirt guy until about 11th grade. That's when I decided to look inward and try and figure out what the ladies would like to see me wear. That's when I headed down to the local Chess King and opened my wallet and purchased a "stylish shirt" with my own money.

I remember it was blue and white checks and had some weird collar thing going on. But there was loud club music playing so they had to know what they were talking about. Right? (Even though at the time I hated that music.)

So I put it on the first time - unveiling my new look - and my oldest sister says, "Why are you wearing that blouse?"

"A what?"

"That girl's blouse. That's a girl's shirt. You can tell because the buttons are on the opposite side and it's a girl's pattern."

"Shut up!"

"It is!"

I'm not sure if she was just messing with me but I went upstairs and looked in the mirror and came to the conclusion that this was the gayest shirt I ever saw. So I took it off, put my flannel back on - probably over a Doors t-shirt - and returned it to the store.

My new look would have to wait.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy African American Friday!

You'll be pushing in crowds
I hope there's not a fight
You should be staying at home
*claps had* with Kid DY-NO-MITE!
*live, studio audience roars into laughter*

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Kate Middleton Ring. Something Royally Weird.

As I wrote on Twitter, I think there's something weird about Prince Andrew giving his mom's ring to the hottie Kate Middleton as an engagement ring because when her hand is down there stroking it, isn't it going to remind him of his mom since it's such an identifiable ring?

Or am I the only one that would think that?

And for the record, this Kate Middleton is way hotter than Princess Di. I never thought Princess Di was hot at all. Maybe a little cute but...

And if I ever meet a royal I'm not bowing down or giving them any royal treatment. What the hell did they ever do to deserve to be treated differently? Huh?

Friday, November 12, 2010