If you were the girls that were just laughing at me in King of Prussia, PA - What was so funny?
You were in your car and I was in mine. I saw you looking over and I thought maybe you were checking me out or something. But then you guys were laughing. What was so funny?
Is it because my car is so dirty? Do I look like a someone that you were just talking about and your friend said, "And there he is now" so you both looked over and I look kind of like him so you started laughing?
Or maybe you think I look like a celebrity or something? Is something on my back or something? Seriously? Why were you laughing at me??
Now I'm going to have to dwell on this the rest of the day.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I was driving to the Exton Dunkin Donuts this morn to get a bagel and some coffees. With a $1 bagle coupon. Suckers.
On the return trip, the Statesboro Blues by the Allman Brothers came on. So I crank it up and start rocking out.
Then I look in the mirror and there's everything bagel and cream cheese all jammin up in my teeth. How the hell are you supposed to eat one of those things anyway without that happening?
So I look over to the car next to me and I totally had this urge to start air guitaring to the lady while making this crazy ass open mouth face with all the everything bagel all over the place. Nodding and pointing to her. Then following her. Our cars reaching dangerous speeds.
Of course I chickened out. I think one of the these days I'll get the courage to do all of these things I imagine. I'm OK with doing those things if I'm with someone else but I chicken out when I'm alone. Maybe I'm a coward.
But maybe you're not a coward. I believe you're a hero. So I'm challenging someone to do that and take a picture of themselves doing it.
Now get to work. I'm only promising to view the first 30 images or videos of the scene that are sent to me.
That is all.
Friday, January 29, 2010
So celeb Craig Bierko is following me on Twitter. His Twitter name is @MrCraigBierko. He's following my @DrZibbs and @FatherKelly accounts. At least I THINK it's him. I'm about 90% sure it's not an impostor.
On Twitter many of the celebs get their accounts verified so you know it's them. Some don't however so you just have to go all Barnaby Jones on their asses to find out.
I'll have to write another post about my additional celeb followers because there are some more recent additions.
But for now, check out this hysterical clip of Craig Bierko from Scary Movie 4 where he plays a Tom Cruise character on the Oprah show.
If you're at work and you can't see video there you really have to watch this when you get home. Or quit. Because it's hilarious!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I didn't want to alarm everyone but I was in a bit of an accident yesterday.
You see, I was out of my regular razors so I had to use a crappy single blade. I don't even know how they can be on the market.
So I'm doing that weird face where you stretch your nose so you can shave right under it - you know what I'm talking about guys (and bearded ladies) - and I actually cut my NOSTRIL! Right on the side of my nostril!
There was blood everywhere. And why does it take an hour for the bleeding to stop? I was bleeding for over an hour and was even late for work. I did however pass the time by making myself a hero award.
Today however, you can barely see where I cut myself.
I was kind of embarrassed yesterday during the day because I was wondering if anyone thought that I was shaving my nose. Like I have a face that's really hair covered like an ape but I have to shave it completely everyday to hide my secret. Living in shame.
Anyways, I did survive. And that's all that counts.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Last night I was watching unfunnyman George Lopez. He's seriously got to be the biggest comedy hack out there.
And don't tell me that you have to be Latina to understand the jokes. He's terrible. It's like his monologue was written by 7th graders.
So last night he showed a tweet that Scott Baio wrote. It was this picture of Michelle Obama:
The actual tweet was, "WOW. He wakes up to this every morning?"
He then goes on to say how Scott Baio is a racist (using unfunny "jokes")
How the hell is what he said racist? Sure, you might say it's mean but it's a picture of a woman yelling. She happens to be black.
The scream of racism has gotten so bad in the last few years. If you say anything about Obama.. you hate black people. If you say we need a common language...you hate Mexicans. If I mention I watch American Idol even though I was just flipping the channels that one time....you call me gay. Jesus Christ!
Scott Baio is now getting death threats. Because of this?
I think Scott Baio should sue George Lopez's ass! (as I said to Scott Baio and can be read on the Huffington Post link here - at the bottom of the page)
What do you think*?
*If you're Puerto Rican please email me your comment and I'll add it after I check your spelling. (Naaaa. Naaa. Naaa)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
THE PICTURE ABOVE ARE NOT CREAM PUCKS. THEY ARE THE INFERIOR TUBES. ("CHOCOLATE COMMOTION? ARE YOU KIDDING?)
Yesterday I went into Wawa and saw these little guys called "Cream Pucks" or "Creme Pucks". They're Ring Ding looking chocolate cake rascals that were pretty darn delicious.
They even smelled like the Ring Dings from days of old. And they were pretty tasty except the creme needs a bit of work.
The problem is, when you search the internets for Cream Pucks or Creme Pucks there's no picture! There's not even a mention of them on the Entenmann's website. What up with that? Maybe the Cream Puck is in the test phase so that's why it's not mentioned.
Could you imagine if we bought up all the inventory and then the product didn't make it past the test phase? We could sell the Cream Pucks for like $100 each to people that have gotten hooked on them! We're gonna be rich!
So what I need you to do is drop what you're doing and drive to your local Wawa or convenience store and see if they carry Cream Pucks.
Let me know.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Were you guys at the Exton Produce Junction an hour ago like me?
And you saw that Mongolian Lady with her pants down?
No? Well here's what happened.
This old Mongolian lady in front of me in line was standing there getting ready to pay but her pants were completely down to the floor! Well, she did have a second pair of pant on but still.
She was about 75 years old and I was going to tell her but I was afraid she'd yell at me,
"I know they down! They are outer pants! You've disrespected my honor!"
Or she's say, "I do not understand."
Then I'd have to say, "Your pants are down to the ground. I'm afraid you will fall when you walk." (talking slowly and loudly and miming out the scene with the help of various vegetables that I'd grabbed). "You see, this eggplant is you..you're much thinner but..and this kale leaf is your pants..your second pair that are down...Now when you start to walk...."
But then there was the fear that she'd get pissed and start yelling at me. People would start looking. Someone at the back of the line would say to another, "I'm not sure what happened. It think that guy tried to pull that old lady's pants down or something. What else could it be?"
Instead I walked away. But I did wait at the back of the store to see what would happen when she turned to walk. In case she needed help after the fall. Or if there was an ideal moment to take a picture.
So she did turn around and try to walk and she was walking so slowly she didn't fall but she did realize that her pants were down. The look was one of, "I'm moving my feet in the regular way but my body isn't moving at the normal speed"*. So she just pulled her pants up and walked away. Looks like it was a normal occurrence for her.
*I'm a bit rusty on my Mongolian but I believe the phrase is "bid nij Tere suu"
Friday, January 22, 2010
If you read my blog you know that I see a lot of movie. And I love horror movies.
Check out this trailer for Legion that opens this weekend. Especially at the beginning where the old lady comes into the diner:
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?? Did you see when she did the scream thing and then she ran up the wall? That scene with the grandmotherly lady is the type of thing that I love in horror movies. Everything is calm then all of a sudden this freaky ass stuff happens. I am totally seeing that movie. Many of you won't though. Because you're babies.
Don't worry - it's only a movie.
And on another movie topic I did see vampire flick Daybreakers the other week. It was pretty good. Not great but.. And that's saying something because I don't like Ethan Hawke. But pretty good story and some cool effects.
And that is my lazy ass post of the day.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I haven't used Ebay in over a year. I used to use it all the time. I'd sell and buy things. I was obsessed with buying AND selling things. You know..stuff.
And how does that obsession go away? For some reason tonight I was thinking about my favorite t-shirt ever. It was a Dewers Scotch shirt. It simply said, "DEWARS" on the front in big black letters. The shirt was a washed out watermellony/red color. And it was one of those distressed shirts. And it was this really soft cotton.
I liked it so much that when it ripped I went on Ebay and bought another one.
Sadly I just went on Ebay and there isn't one available right now.
I guess what I'm trying say is *walks to window and pretends that's he's looking out at this one tree* I'm trying to say that if someone wants to keep a look out on this shirt then buy it for me then...Well, you're OK in my book.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I hate to categorize one group of people as freaks but....I need to.
People that ate Underwood Deviled Ham are freaks. Or maybe their parents are freaks. I don't know. It's like the people that packed egg salad sandwiches for their kids in elementary school.*
All I know is that I never had it but it always stunk. Was it cat food? Who knows? I don't even know if they still make it.
Here's the commercial:
*Paul Lambert's mom.
Dolly Parton's OK in my book. And it's her birthday today. She's 64.
She seems like a pretty likable person.
But there's something about her that you guys probably never noticed. She's got enormous cans! Really. She does. I could never figure out if they were real or not. Because she's had them ever since I could remember. And fake boob weren't even invented in the 70's? I think. I'm too lazy to look it up. Does anyone know?
And I wonder if she ever hung a bra out to dry and some kids came up and thought they were hammocks? "Hey, you kids, skittle along now, you're sitting in Dolly's unmentionables. Oh never mind. You stay put you. I'm coming out there with some iced tea for ya'll."
You know that probably happened.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Did you ever find a treasure? Full of booty?
Well here is the true tale of when my friends and I did.
We were about 11 years old. Surrounding our neighborhood on most sides were either cornfields or woods. So it was great growing up where I lived.
My friend would swipe the occasional Playboy from his Dad's closet and a few of us would bring it back into the cornfield and behold it's glory: Fairly innocent 1974-75 Playboys with naked gals. Topless and sporting "fur bikinis" if you know what I mean. "Look at the size of her boobs", I'd say as I'd pull my shirt out to make it look like boobs*.
But one day a friend - let's call him HickNut - found something that would change everything. We were at a friend's house and he came running up, "You're NOT gonna believe this!"
So we follow HickNut into the cornfield wondering what it was that he found. We go deep into the cornfield then we come out onto a small dirt road. We cross it then go even further into the cornfield and almost to the very end.
"Here it is."
It's a chest. Like a wooden treasure chest.
"Check this out."
He opens it up and it's filled to the top with girlie magazines. "WHAT!!!!???"
We dive in. And start going through them all. It was a bit disturbing at the time because there were some hardcore and fetish publications in the mix. Extreme closeups and such. And they were really low budget. I forget if one was called "Pregnant White Women With Black Guys" or if that's something that I made up after the fact. But stuff along those lines.
It kind of ended my innocence in a way because I was not prepared for some of the hardcore stuff. What happened to the topless brunette in farmer's daughter clothes lying in a bed of hay?
Who could have left these here? We started theorizing that it was probably a biker gang. If not a biker gang then probably some 20 something runaways living in a deserted shack somewhere.
We'd hear a distant minibike and we'd look around, "Is that them?"
I think we scared ourselves into thinking that whoever left this treasure chest here was going to come back and kill us. So we put them all back and hauled ass out of the cornfield.
I always wondered what happened to that treasure chest. Either the gang came back and claimed it or the farmer got it caught up in his combine when harvesting the corn. Thousands of tiny paper nude body parts flying into the air then floating to the ground as his combine comes to a screeching halt. What a sight.
*Try it at home but be careful not to stretch your shirt out. You'll ruin it.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Remember that movie Magic? With the ventriloquist dummy?
I saw it years ago but forget if it was good or not. And watching this clip I just realized that Anthony Hopkins in the main character. Hmmm.
Check it out:
And why are so many people afraid of ventriloquist dummies. Or "figures" as they're often called in the trade. I used to have one when I was a kid so I would know.
Also, If I ever become a serial killer I think a great trademark would be to leave a dummy at the scene of every murder. What would yours be?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Remember this classic by the Marshall Tucker Band? Heard It In A Love Song.
And here's another classic. "Can't You See". As in "Can't You See How Great This Blog Is?" Which song do you like better?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Here's my celebrity post of the week.
It looks like American Idol's Katherine McPhee has changed her classic brunette locks to blond. And I for one don't like it. Here's her blond hair:
But this is what she looked like as a brunette:
VaVaVaVOOOOM! RUUUFF. RUUUUF!! I'm a sucker for brunettes with big eyes. And I think she's too thin in the first photo.
And that's all I've got to say about that.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Lawn Darts. How we miss thee.
According to this lawn darts website I found, Lawn Darts were banned on Dec 19, 1988. That's right before Christmas! I wonder how many kids were disappointed that year? After the government raided homes and confiscated all of the lawn darts I bet some parents made fake lawn darts out of whatever resources were available in 1988.
But the kids probably weren't fooled. Opening their Lawn "Darz" and pulling out homemade, dull projectiles.
I bet some were just colored paper plates taped to butter knives. What I rip off.
I'm surprised there wasn't an kid uprising. Maybe there was but it wasn't reported.
I remember playing lawn darts when I was a kid. And I also remember kids throwing them at one another. Pretty dangerous if you think about it. But I never knew anyone that got injured by one.
Sounds kind of fishy to me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
So who do you think is more of a douchbag?
Old school Larry from Three's Company?
Or "The Situation" from The Jersey Shore?
I think I know the answer. It's "The Situation" isn't it? So what would you ladies do if he approached you in a bar? Would you fall for his charms?
And who the hell dates someone like him anyway?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Oh man! I just washed the end of the Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band movie with the Bee Gees.
What a mess.
And I know most of you probably hate the Bee Gees. Probably cause when you're leaning up against the wall waiting for them to play Foreigner I'm all out there on the roller skating rink skatin' with the chicks to this!
Yeah! Play with yourself till ALL SKATE comes on you loser!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Here's a clip from the 1980 movie Little Darlings with Kristy McNichol and Matt Dillon.
What a rash.
I used to have a crush on Kristy McNichol* but now I look at her and she isn't even that cute.
And look at how they have identical hair. Oh brother.
*Fun Fact: I used to hook up with this chick in college that looked just like her.
Friday, January 8, 2010
"He awoke and walked to the mirror. After screaming "WHY?" He stared into the mirror and cried. For like 25 minutes."
It was his birthday. A man named Dr Zibbs."
"Then, he went to his computer and saw all of the birthday greeting from his Blog and Twitter followers. He knew it had nothing to do with him reminding them his birthday was coming up. He knew, as others do that people wrote reminders on calendars. They made use of the "tickler file" system. Some called their work phones to remind themselves of this special day. January 8th."
"Later, when Dr Zibbs looked on his blackberry, there were even MORE greeting from Facebook followers. He was humbled."
(Close up of the back of a super classy wicker chair. The chair turns and Dr Zibbs appears)
Hi everyone. I'm the Internets Dr Zibbs. And I'd like to thank you all for the birthday wishes.
There really were so many wishes sent my way. It almost makes me feel bad for people that have no friends and then on their birthday the phone rings and they run to it in anticipation and it just Kohl's on the phone or something. Something about some candles that were on back order or something. I don't know. Maybe that person is you. Who knows? If it is though, stop selfishly thinking about yourself on this day and start celebrating my birth. Zibbs style.
And remember, gifts are God's way of saying you care*.
*Cash gifts are always welcome but get creative. What about emailing me a coupon for beers that you're going to buy me when you meet me? And be sure to write "no expiration date" on it because if you even say that the coupon expired when I finally meet you I will turn around and walk right out of the bar. I will. Also, I do NOT want a snuggie.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I'm not one to toot my own horn.
I don't even own a horn. I don't even know where I would rent one! Seriously.
But I want to (shyly) give you a heads up that tomorrow, JANUARY 8TH.. IS MY BIRTHDAY. THE BIRTHDAY OF ME...DR ZIBBS.
And it's also the birthday of the King. Elvis. So here's a little Viva Las Vegas to play while you're wrapping my present or writing my birthday poem*.
*Please, don't chinz on the gift. It's embarrassing for everyone.
Two questions about tipping*:
When did all donut shops and places with a counter start putting out tip jars? I guess it was within the last five years. Not saying that I wouldn't put one out if I worked at a counter but that's not the point.
If someone is simply handing me a donut and a coffee, why the hell should they be tipped? I refuse to do it. Do you guys do it? If so, is it out of guilt?
The lady at the Dunkin Donuts actually holds the change OVER the tip jar so you have to reach to get your change instead of her reaching to give it to you. I guess she's thinking that it might slip and fall into the tip jar then you'll be too embarrassed to reach in and get it out. Classy. Real classy. Then she gives me the evil eye when I don't tip.
Suck it lady! And when I have a coupon for a free donut and don't want a coffee?...Don't ask me if I'm SURE I don't want a coffee. If you didn't want people coming in for a free donut then you shouldn't have printed the coupon. You ole' bag!
The other tipping question I have is for bartenders. What are the degrees of tips you would give for the following (cheap ass, regular tip and great tip):
Scenario 1: Four $3 Happy Hour priced beers that usually are $4. (Total cost $12)
Scenario 2: Three premium pints at $4.50 each. (Total cost $13.50)
*Did you know that in Italy the cab drivers don't expect tips? And in Peru a customary tip is kicking the dude in the nuts? Not really but the Italy one is true.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Well, a Dr Zibbs cologne isn't in development..yet. Uh, how much would you preorder if I did make it though? I'll probably sell it by the liter because it sound classier than by the gallon.
But it wouldn't be that crazy because there's all kinds of crazy colognes these days. Crazy celeb scents. Here's a list on Wikipedia of some of the current scents you can buy. Some of them make sense. Like a scent from Scarlett Johansson or Halle Berry but Pavarotti? You know it's some concoction that's then hand stirred with a boar's leg and then finished off with some Felciata di Calabria cheese. (Look at me gettin' all gourmet cheesy).
But the weirdest is the Burger King cologne/spray that's available in the UK. Don't believe me? Check this out.
I told you.
You're probably asking what cologne does Dr Zibbs wear? I will have you know that I was told twice in the past two weeks that I smell nice. Once was because I had reapplied deodorant at the end of the day and put lip stuff on my lips (to prevent chapping) and I think it was scented. Some chick at work told me but maybe she was just trying to get in my pants as they say. What?
But I haven't worn cologne in years. I used to wear Halston like a billion years ago. But now? Nothing.
So ladies, what is a cologne I should wear? What would someone of my sophistication wear? Should I perhaps mix several scents together? *
And don't say Axe body spray.
*My son said that some of the black dudes in his school do this. They'll do like two sprays of one scent on one pit then a quick spray of a second. Then they'll do three sprays of a third cologne on the other pit. They told my son they do this to have their own smell. Swear to God.
Monday, January 4, 2010
So what does 2010 hold? Other than the Pope and David Blaine nobody really knows. I will now make some celebrity predictions that I've put zero thought into.
But they'll be here as a record so if any of the things do happen you guys will be forced to call me "Magic Man". Just like in the Heart song.
Do you have any predictions? Put them in the comments section and see if they come magically true. OK. Here we go:
- Tom Cruise or John Travolta will announce that they're gay.
- One of The Rolling Stones will die.
- A major sitcom star will be accused of stalking another star.
- A major celeb will fall out of a window and die.
- A huge fight will break out on a major late night talk show.
- A second rate star will commit suicide after blogging or Tweeting about it.
- Someone will "whip it out" or "whip them put" during an TV awards show.
- A star will be assaulted while eating in a restaurant.
- A country star will be caught on tape saying something racist.
- Richard Simmons will enthusiastically run onto a talk show.
Go ahead, what do YOU think will happen this year.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I love The Guess Who. But I never saw this video of Share The Land. Have you?
I bet this one time you got all high, and you were listening to The Guess Who and you were getting all into and stuff. Did you? Don't lieeeeee.
And I like when he says when every one is "diggin' each other". I dig that.
Friday, January 1, 2010
See the picture above? I just stole it from the blog Enough Hats For Everyone.
You see, I met Kristen and some other local Twitterers at a Ladies Night on Wednesday at Teca in West Chester and Kristen did a great job of summing it up. To read the story, click here.
And note the part where she says I'm "Good Looking and smells nice too". That's my favorite part. I think I'm gonna go back and read that part again.