Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Wolf Story That Will Win All Kinds Of Awards.

Here's this story I'm writing about wolves. I like to tape record my voice when I write a book then I write it out. In words. It's just easier this way. Free know? Like a jazz player but with fucking words and shit instead of musical notes.

This may have to be a multi-part series. Like Roots. But with wolves. And no Levar Burton or the dad from Good Times.

...There's this fucking wolf but he's like a dire wolf so bigger than a grey wolf. And he's the leader of this tribe of other wolves. So at the beginning of the book his dad died or something and then he's banished from the tribe for some reason.....I don't know...I gotta work that out. But anyway he comes back to the tribe and he's all fucking fucked up and shit. Like scrawny and weak because it's hard to find fucking food when you're a wolf and you're on you own because of the way wolves hunt and shit. (It's true. I did research about wolves).

So he comes back in the tribe and and he fights the one leader wolf even though he's weak as shit. Bites his fucking neck, kills him then stands up on this rock and fucking howls. Big ass moon fucking shining on him and he's all strong now because he got energy from the blood from the wolf he just kicked the ass of.

All the other other wolves bow to him. Undisputed wolf leader. Then they go on all these adventures but he can change himself from a wolf into a human warrior. He looks like the dude on the cover of Flirtin' with Disaster (Molly Hatchet album). And he gets all these smokin' hot chick. Big ass titties and shit.

To be continued.....

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Weird Dream I Had. The Chair. Seeing The Future.

I remember my dreams about 5 times a week. And if you follow me on Twitter, I tweet them as soon as I wake up. That's the only way to do it. Otherwise, you'll forget.

A cool dream I had the other week was that I was looking through binoculars at my parent's house and I saw that my dog was still alive. He was in the distance and he was playing with a wolf. It kind of put me at ease.

I've also dreamed that he talks to me. But for some reason he speaks with an English accent. Which he would never do.

Last night I had really weird dream. I had written a book called, "The Chair." It was a story of a chair that would let you see the future if you sat on it. Some people would see their future and change their lives for the better while others freak out and go crazy. When you sat on it, it was like, "WTF!!!!??" It would freak you out. And each person would pass the chair onto a friend but wouldn't tell them of it's powers.

Well I print one copy and on the inside I inscribe this, "I think you'll like this book. Please read it and pass it on to a friend when you're done. Everyone should write their review of it and leave their reviews in the book. Please return to me after everyone reads it."

I give the book to @WellreadHostess, my Twitter friend. Probably because she's into books.
So the book gets passed around and when it comes back to me, everyone says it's great. And that it changed THEIR lives. Kind of like the chair. (See what happens there?) And I publish it and it becomes a best seller.

I'm not sure if it was Oprah endorsed or not.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Eastbound and Down Is On Tonight! Here's A Taste.

My good friend @AMK195 from Twitter reminded me that Eastbound and Down is on tonight. 10:30 on HBO. 2nd season. Here's a little sampling of Kenny Powers:

Saturday, September 25, 2010

WTF?? Stairway To Stardom. MUST SEE!

I was studying scripture the other day and it hit me that we're ALL sinners.

So to punish myself for my sinful ways I decided to torture myself by watching this:

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

True Nashville Crazy Story About Drunk Women. Sexy Stuff.

Pull up a piece of carpet kids. I have a very interesting tale I'd like to share. Come on get in here closer.

There you go.

So a few years back I was at my favorite bar in the world. It's called Tootsie's Orchid Lounge. It's in Nashville. That's a city in the State of Tennessee you know.

Now it sounds like it would be a strip bar but it's not. It's just a tiny bar that's been around for years. And every famous country singer has played there because it's right behind where the Grand Old Opry used to be.

So anyways, this place is crazy. People walk on the bar, high 5 strangers as they come in the door and just get crazy.

So Im there for about five minutes and go to walk up the steps and this drunk girl is walking down. She's holding the railing and she swings out and blocks me. She's super drunk. She looks me up, then down (elevator eyes to some), gives me this devious smile, then reaches and grabs my crotch. And gives it a squuuueeeeze.

Just as she does this her girlfriends run up and grab her and say, "I'm sorry, she's so drunk." And they shuffle her out of the bar.

I'm all, "What the??" It happened so fast I wasn't able to even do anything. Like start grinding or something. I don't know.

So a few hours pass and I meet a group of real estate people that are in town for some convention. So we're all hanging out. Just cracking up.

Two bar stools open up and I say to one of the girls that's next to me, "That's it. I'm sitting down." She says, "Me too." And sits next to me.

A while passes and as we're talking, some girl almost falls down the steps. It reminds me of the drunk girl from earlier so I say, "Oh my God, you're not going to believe what happened to me earlier!" And I proceed to tell her the story. Well, I get to the part where I say, "...and then she grabs my crouch!" and instead of a look of, "Are you kidding?" She looks me dead in the eye and says, "Like this?" and reaches over to me and grabs my crouch!

I swear this happened!

I'm so shocked but I just played it cool and kept this look on my face like nothing had just happened. But I think I did say, "Yeah, kind of like that."

Not that I would have done anything anyway but she wasn't my type. Real big and ugly. I prefer my women to be normal sized. Oh, and good looking.

A few minutes pass and her group yells over, "Kathy, come on, we're leaving." She gives them a look, pointing back at me "secretly" and mouths, "I'm staying." As if saying, "I gots myself I live one here." I don't think so sister.

Long story short I said, "I have to go to the bathroom." And I got up and walked, very quickly back to my hotel.

The end.

Monday, September 20, 2010

When I Hear Renaissance Faire I Run For The Hills. B101 Bee.

Renaissance Faire?

Schmenaissance Fair!

I love festivals and fairs but the kind I don't like is a Renaissance Faire. Like the PA one that's now going on.

And it's not that I don't like the Renaissance. I do. I just don't like bad actors approaching me and talking in a terrible Old English accent and I'm supposed to play along.

It's like when a dude in a costume - like the Bee from radio station B101 wants to high-5 me. It's a dude in a bee costume. I ain't playing along you dick.

One time I was in a supermarket and I was really hungover and I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and guess who it was? The fucking Bee. And he was just standing there waving at me. So I just go, "What's up?". Then turned back around. So there's been bad blood between the two of us ever since I guess.

That is all.

Oh, yeah. One more thing. Look at the dude in the picture gnawing on the turkey bone. Repulsive. And you know he's all, "Oh my King this turkey leg hath to be the most splendid tasting bird in all the land!"

Shut it!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Kids With Speech Impediments Fan Club Card Carrying Member.

I have no idea how this popped into my head but now I can't get it out.

When I was about 12, I was having a conversation with a a kid from the neighborhood and he was saying, "You've got to see a Playboy magazine. It's loaded with pictures of naked girls."

Well the little brother hears him say that and runs over to us and in the best speech impediment ever asks, "BIG GULLS OR LITTLE GULLS??"

Big Guuuuulls or little guuuuulls. Say it aloud to really grasp the beauty of it.

See. I told you.

I don't know why but I love hearing kids talk with speech impediments. I actually had one myself. I couldn't say "R's". I forget if I did a post about it or not. I'll have to look.

And on a related note our next door neighbor talks like that too. When they got back from Florida I asked her where she went. She said, "We went down to Sea Wode."

I swear I was saying "Sea Wode" for weeks.

(Note that the picture has nothing to do with the post. I saw it while searching for "Speech Impediments" and...well...I fell in love with it and I had to bring it home. Isn't it a beauty?)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

How To Make Me - Dr Zibbs - A Drink. Scotch And Bourbon.

In case you ever want to prepare a scotch or bourbon for me, here are the steps to take:

- Using ice (never use ice from an ice maker unless it's store bought ice) crack the ice by placing it in the palm of your hand and crack it with a tablespoon.

- Place the ice into a crystal old fashioned glass. A highball is acceptable.

- The ice will be heaped over the top of the glass. The different size cracked ice will ensure that the ice melts at the perfect "melting speed."

- Pour the scotch or bourbon almost to the top of the glass.

- Add a splash of water. Use only spring water or water that has been filtered.

- If the liquor is mid-grade, like Jack Daniels, add a bit more water.

- Never serve me lower level (peasant stock) liquor.

- Hand it to me.

- Sit on chair and watch me drink it.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Ryan Seacrest Yearbook. Annoying Nerdy Goody-Goody Type.

What the? That picture above is Ryan Seacrest. I'm not sure how old he is there but it's him.

I really hate that dude. Is there a name for his type? I've encountered them my whole life. He's not a full fledged nerd. Or a douchebag. Here are the characteristics:

- Not off the charts good looking but attractive.
- Total goody-goody.
- Thinks he's funny but really isn't.
- Overly confident.

I swear I've met people like him and they always rub me the wrong way. There has to be a name for this type of person. Is there? If not I think one needs to be made up.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

How My Brain Works. True Story. And Runner With A Hot Dog.

Maybe I AM weird but if you met me in real life you'd probably think I'm pretty normal. You'd think I'm really funny but nobody thinks I'm kooky. I don't think they do. But so much crazy stuff goes though my head.

ALL the time.

It's probably because of my ADHD. I was diagnosed about 6 years ago and it really did change my life. It made me feel like, "OK, I'm not stupid." Even though I consider myself successful, school was always a struggle because of major distractions. I just couldn't concentrate. My mind just constantly thinking about things. It's like someone is trying to entertain me the second something gets boring.

So here's an example*. I was walking on the Struble Trail last week and there was a lady that was running REALLY slowly. I mean slow. She had a hot dog dog on a leash. You know..the dachshund. And the dog was just trotting. Have you ever seen the tiny legs on those dogs?

And because of that weird hip disease I had a few months ago (that's now totally cured and will never come back) the doctor said to hold off on running. So I walk. Everyday. And I walk really fast. I like to keep svelte.

So I'm approaching this lady who is running really slow and it's one of these things that I know I have to speed up to pass her.

So normal people would just pass her. But in my head. I'm actually doing a play by play commentary of me passing her."

"He's approaching...he sees that the dachshund is looking back. Nervously. She slightly slows. Out of embarrassment perhaps? He quickens his pace. JESUS CHRIST HE'S GONNA DO IT!! Either he's a really fast walker or she's a really slow runner. Oh my God!. What's the point of running if you're THAT slow? The dachshund appears to have the look of shame on his face..."

Like I imagine if it were a show or a movie and the things they would say. But I'm not even TRYING to think of the stuff they would say. It just happens.

Well imagine your entire day there are thoughts going through your head like this. Every waking moment. I'm not making this up. This is how my brain has always worked. And maybe that's why I can come up with funny shit to say. But do you know what? As I'm typing this out I'm thinking, "You're fucking crazy."

Oh well. It's who I am I guess.

*Not really the best example but...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Can't Find Noblet Singing Carry On. Kansas.

I was looking on Youtube for the clip of Noblet (Colbert from Strangers With Candy) singing Carry On - the Kansas song - but it's not there. Damn it!

So here's Kansas doing it.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Can't Stop Laughing! Phantom of the Opera Mask.

OK. I had one of those can not stop laughing but am about to explode like when I wasn't allowed to laugh in church moments early yesterday morning. You know, when you're dying to totally crack up but you can't?

And I blame my Twitter friend @Trilee33. She's hysterical and seriously could be a comedy writer. Her tweets make me laugh so hard. She's of the funniest people I follow - including professional comedians.

Here's how it got to the point of me sitting at my desk and losing control and then trying as hard as I could not to laugh as my shoulders were shaking up and down:

My Tweet: I wonder if I walked into Wawa and started singing The Rose if people would gather round - some kneeling - or if they would just kick me out?

Her Tweet: Cool...I'm trying Phantom of the Opera at Stop n Shop, Foxboro. Will use a boneless chicken breast as the horrifying facial mask.

Well just the visual of using a boneless chicken breast on her face almost had me bursting into laughter. But I contained it.

My Tweet: You should start the performance by very slowly peaking into the window...the normal part of your face showing first. "Oh look...'s just a normal looking person looking in at us....OH MY GOD!!!!!!"

She tells me she just spit out her coffee and I tell her I can't stop laughing at the site of her slowly emerging into view with a makeshift boneless chicken breast on her face that's supposed to look like a Phantom of the Opera mask (revealing herself the way Noblet does on Strangers with Candy when he peaks into a classroom)

My Tweet: The "OH MY GOD" screams coming when they see your horribly disfigured boneless chicken face. (An old lady faints at the sight)

She tweets: I just spit out my coffee (old lady fainting)...

Now I'm dying laughing. So I have to control myself and I take a few minutes to do something else.

She then says that the boneless chicken breast has to be fastened to the face with twine. All I can think of is a mangled mess of chicken. Scary music playing as she tries to cut the eyehole out with kitchen shears but then the eyehole is too big so she has to use the twine to hold it together.

And the twine is also used to wrap around the back of the head to hold it in place. But it slips down so she has to keep it in place by wearing a hat. HAHAHA!

OK. I'm cracking up again just thinking about this.

So after this, I'm completely trying to hold it together when I see there's an email from her. I'm so about to burst that the sight of seeing that "1 new message" icon even put me back into shoulders shaking trying to conceal my laughter mode that I had to close down my email.

Well, maybe you had to be there but it was the most I've laughed in weeks.