Sunday, August 29, 2010

Smells I Like To Smell Because They Smell Good And Stuff. Bacon.

Here are some smells I really like:

- Gasoline - Even though it's dangerous to sniff.
- Hyacinth - My favorite smell of all flowers.
- Women's perfume - Not all of it. Just when a woman walks into a room and it's all, "What the? What's that smell" Then I take I gander and it's like, "Ohhhh yeah." (Does not include old lady "hiding death" perfume)
- Garlic and Onions - As they saute. I do this all the time.
- Leather.
- Honeysuckle.
- Peaches.
- Bacon - cooked (not raw)

I'll probably think of more so make a note to check back.

(Man are these posts getting lame)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dog Humping Old Lady Equal Hilarity. What The??

This is probably one of the funniest potential rape scenes I've ever seen.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I'm Glad I Don't Have A Pencil Thin Mustache. Andy Devine.

Here's the song Pencil Thin Mustache by Jimmy Buffet. I never even knew there was a video until five minutes ago. Did you?

I've included the lyrics below so you can learn them and not sing the wrong words next time.
Like you always do. Admit it.

And if you really want to know what all of the references are about in the song, click here.

I've got to tell you that I like Jimmy Buffet and I've seen him in concert but some of those Parrot Heads are complete nerds. Their own unique breed of nerd too. Not all of them, but a lot of them.

Am I wrong?

Now they make new movies in old black and white,
With happy endings, where nobody fights,
So if you find yourself in that nostalgic rage,
Honey, jump right up and show your age.

I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
the "Boston Blackie" kind, or a
two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket,
and an autographed picture of Andy Divine.

Oh, I remember bein' buck toothed and skinny
Writin' fan letters to Sky's niece Penny.
Oh, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could solve some mysteries too.
Oh it's Bandstand, Disneyland, growin' up fast,
Drinkin' on a fake I.D.
And Rama of the jungle was everyone's Bawana,
But only jazz musicians were smokin marijuana.
Yeah, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could solve some mysteries too.

But then it's flat-top, dirty bop, copin' a feel'
grubbin on the living room floor;
They send you off to college to try to gain
a little knowledge,
But all you want to do is learn how to score.
Yeah, but now I'm gettin' old, don't wear underwear,
I don't go to church, and I don't cut my hair;
But I can go to movies and see it all there,
Just the way that it use to be.

That's why I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache
the "Boston Blackie" kind, or a
two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket,
And an autographed picture of Andy Divine.

Oh, I could be anyone I wanted to be,
Maybe suave Eerol Flynn or the Sheik of Araby.
If I only had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could do some cruising too.

Yeah, Brylcream, a little dab'll do yah,
Oh, I could do some cruising too.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Are You Undateable? Do This Stuff If You Don't Want To Get Laid.

I was reading through this book the other day at the bookstore called Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex .

It's basically a book of 311 things that guys shouldn't do, say or wear. Some of the things include:
- wearing socks with sandals.
- wearing a fanny pack.
- wearing a tie with a short sleeve shirt.

Things like that. The only thing that I may be guilty of on the list is having a pair of pleated pants. I think have have a pair put I don't wear them anymore.

Wow. One thing out of 311. I guess that makes me *looks in full length mirror and turns* very, very dateable.

And on a side note, the book is written to be funny. It was in the humor section. I was surprised to see the ridiculous comments on left on Amazon (see link above).

So what things do you think a guy (or lady) should never ever wear or do or say that makes them look like a fool?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Childhood Story About Shoplifting. Big Ole Lesbian On Rampage.

Here's a true story that happened to me about shoplifting. It happened at small convenience store - Deli Grove - that we used to walk to as kids.

I think I was in 7th grade. I will now tell the tale in the way that we probably told people who weren't there.

You're not gonna believe what fucking happened!!

We were at Deli Grove yesterday sitting on the back concrete pad, and the big dike chick comes out and is like, "OK. I know you stole the lighter." To Desmond.

He's like, "I don't know what you're talking about."

She's like, "Bullshit. I saw you steal the lighter. You want me to call the cops?"

Desmond's all, "OK fine, I stole the lighter, here have it back. What are you gonna do? "

And she's like, "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. You guys are gonna clean up all of this trash back here. Every piece. And if you don't, I'm calling the fuzz".

So as soon as she walks away, Desmond's like, "Fuck that mountain woman, I'm not cleaning up any trash. I'm not her slave. Let's get out of here."

So we all leave. But then we're down near Bull's house and we hear this muscle car coming down Scott Drive. We're like, "What the?...."

Well it's the mountain woman chick in her Chevelle! She screeches the car and jumps out. We're all like, "BOOK!" And we all run in separate directions. Well she catches Desmond and picks him up in this bear hug from behind. LIKE A BIGFOOT WOULD. It's like she had super human strength!

His little boots are trying to kick her and his face is turning all red and everything. We're hiding behind one the pine tree watching the whole thing. He's trying to yell, "GET OFF OF ME!" But his face is all red and everything. Like he can't breath!

She finally drops him and he gets up. After she pulls away he gives her the finger. But she didn't see it. She banned him from the store FOR LIFE. He was trying not to cry but...well he was.

It was fucked up! You HAD to see it!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Growing Up, We Were A Tissue Family And An Ice Family.

It's true, when I was growing up we were a tissue family.

I guess my parents still are. Maybe it's normal with 5 kids and most of them have allergies but I'm not kidding when I say that if you go to my parents house you will find at least one box of tissues in every room.

A box in the small storage drawer by the pool, in both cars...everywhere really.

And if you sneeze?, "Do you want a tissue? Here have a tissue. Just blow your nose. You don't need to blow your nose? What? Then here, put it in your pocket for later. Go ahead. You might need it later."

Tissue people.

My parents are also ice people. There's a huge concern that "WHAT IF WE RUN OUT OF ICE???"

So ice is stockpiled. Just in case. Ice maker in fridge is always full. Then there are six ice trays always full in the upstairs fridge PLUS a bag of ice waiting. And in case someone robs my parents of their precious ice in the middle of the night?...No worries. Because (Shhhhh - don't tell anyone) there's a secret stash in the basement fridge with 6 more full ice trays and an extra bag waiting.

Ice people.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Kind of celebrating here because of several job offers that came in to me. One of which I will be taking.

Now I'd like you...the reader (and my fwend) to celebrate with me. Don't be embarrassed. Fill a plastic glass with Mountain Dew and PRETEND it's champagne in a fine, cut crystal. I won't judge you.

COME ON! We've earned it.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Has Anyone Ever Seen The Life And TImes Of Tim?

Now I really feel out of it. I just saw this show called The Life And Times of Tim last night on HBO. It's hysterical.

But I've never even heard of it. And it's been out for couple of years. Check out this funny clip:

And here's another one. What do you think?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Important Breaking News About My Face. Travolta.

Over the past few months I've noticed a cleft in my chin. A cleft chin if you will.

The weird thing is that I've never noticed it. It's not huge like that ridiculous hole that John Travolta has in his chin*. It's barely noticeable.

In fact, if you saw me and looked at my chin you'd be all, "Where is it? Is it there? Is it there? Is that it?

The only way I know I have it is because when I shave in a downward stroke, I notice that I can't get into the tiny cleft with the razor so I have to shave it sideways to get a totally smooth shave. And I've never had to do this so it is indeed a new development on my face.

Maybe it's because I lost 15 pounds. Or maybe it's because I'm getting closer to dying and my face is starting to turn into a skeleton. I'm not sure.

*Whenever I see Travolta's face I picture a teensy tiny Travolta emerging from his cleft..."Hey, Mr Kotter!"

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Ryan Seacrest ISN'T Gay? That Make Me Mad. Julianna Hough.

I really thought American Idol's Ryan Seacrest was gay. And he's not because he's going out with hottie Julianne Hough!


I really am surprised. And kind of pissed. Because gay or not he's a total douche.

End of post.

Monday, August 2, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: I Will Probably Be Meeting Eddie Munster Soon! West Chester.

This is a true story:

Those who read my blog know that I live in West Chester, PA. An affluent Chester County area South of Philadelphia. I mention the town often to shamelessly get visitors to my blog.

Well, if you're a pop culture buff you may have read recently that Butch Patrick aka Eddie Munster is moving to West Chester, PA as seen here.

And here's the kicker. He's moving into....are you ready for this?....into MY SISTER'S NEIGHBORHOOD!!

I'm not going to tell you where exactly the neighborhood is but it's a fact that he's moving there. And no, it's not a trailer park. Not all 60's and 70's TV stars are down and out. Or marry down and out people. These are million dollar homes.

It really doesn't matter. What matters is that me, not you, will probably be meeting Eddie Munster soon. I can't wait to show him my Herman Munster imitation: "Uh...Lilly, Lilly. NO NO NO NO" (as I stomp and pieces of the ceiling fall down).

Jealous much?

And when I do meet him, what should I ask him?

Brainstorm! Various Things About Driving.

I've been getting lazy keeping up with this here famous blog. So here's a post about various driving things. I'll do it in bullet point form. But I'm only going to take 3 minutes to write it so I'm warning you - it's probably going to be crappy.

Please feel free to ask questions and I will clarify anything you're interested in.

OR maybe elaborate in a post (And name the post after YOU)

- I'm an expert knee driver.
- I wrecked a car when I was 17. A red Pinto. I rolled it on Route 52 in Chester County.
- I use to "do it" all the time in cars. (Do you know what "do it means?) If you don't know, ask your parents.
- One time I filled the oil in my car up to "the top" because I didn't know better.
- Once a deer jumped over the hood of my car at 80 miles per hour.
- One time I was racing a guy on 95 and his hood blew open.
- My biggest regret about accidents that happened and I wasn't there was in high school when my friends came around a corner and hit some kid's car off of a cliff. (Nobody was hurt).
- I eat entire meals in my car while driving. I use an atlas as my tray.
- The cars I've owned are: Renault Lecar, Hyndai Excel, Nissan Sentra, Toyota Camry and Nissan Maxima.

I told you it was a lazy ass post.