As many of my blog readers know, I collect Zippo lighters. I'm a fan. You may not know that I'm also a fan of my Blackberry Pearl. Best phone ever.
One of the reasons I love the Blackberry is that it's small. And unless you're walking around with huge pockets, I can't see lugging the Iphone around as a dude - even though it's pretty cool.
What am I getting to? Well I just saw this cool, free iphone application on the Youtube for the Zippo lighter. It's not enough to make me buy an Iphone but it's pretty cool. Here it is:
And as I've mentioned before - if you would like to buy me a Zippo because you think it will help to buy my friendship? You my friend are very bright because it will. You will automatically be moved to "Dr Zibbs Code Red Friend Status". I'm not kidding. Just email me and tell me you want to send me one.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
As many of my blog readers know, I collect Zippo lighters. I'm a fan. You may not know that I'm also a fan of my Blackberry Pearl. Best phone ever.
I hereby announce that when I was flipping through the channels the other day, and the infomercial was on for the Rock Ballads CD collection and Kevin Cronin from the peckerhead group REO Speedwagon was hosting....
I totally thought he was an old lady at first. Here's a picture of him but if you've seen the infomercial - he's even more grandmothery.
...and when I realized it wasn't an old lady I started laughing so loud. You should have been there. And for the record, I always hated REO Cheese Wagon*.
*I officially declare the name "REO Cheese Wagon" as a name I just made up. Feel free to use it in conversation but please reference me after you're done using the name in the sentence.
So many of you have already seen this fatso dude dancing to Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies". And when I was watching the video again I was thinking, at least the dude has a big package.
But he doesn't. When he turns sideways, the thing that I thought was his package is really his belly flab. Or as a friend of mine used to refer to it - his "birth pile". Why do fat dudes always have small ones? Who knows?
Anyways, the video is kind of entertaining. He's got some pretty good facial expressions. And by good - I'm mean embarrassing. For him.
Friday, February 27, 2009
So I'm too tired to actually list three bloggers to send the Friday Send Off song to so I'd like to announce that you're ALL winners. Yeah you. You showed up, so you win. Like certain Olympics. So go stand on a small platform and tie a round disc to a string and pretend it's an actual medal. Don't be shy - hold it up with unbridled pride!
Are you ready? O.K. Now hit play and listen to Cake singing "I Will Survive". Live.
190 Followers Strong!
So one of my perv readers sent me this photo they took when they were at a bookstore. It's a picture of homemade sex toys that they found in a book. This particular photo shows the steps of how a dude can have sex with a pumpkin. And I like how you're supposed to heat it up. You've got to admit it is ingenious.
OK freaks - out with your stories. Who has had sex with a pumpkin or something weird like this. OR - have you ever caught anyone in the act? Hmmmmm?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
So continuing on my nighttime Brady Bunch singing marathon this week, I give you, "When It's Time To Change". Seriously, you must rearrange who you are. And also - the things you want to be.
And I'll tell you what I want to rearrange, Alice's face after she does that, "You go get em Tiger" fist move and expression at 38 seconds in. I swear I'm gonna bust her lip open...after I have a make out session with Marsha....(looking firmly at Mr Brady), "MIKE STAY OUT OF THIS!"
I went to college with a dwarf. There. I said it.
And do you know what? I'm not at heightist* Why? Because I put my dorm dwarf friend through the same types of abuses that I put other friends through. I'm serious. I did so much crap and practical jokes in college to friends and am actually proud that I didn't treat him (lets call him Rumpelstiltskin) differently because he was smaller than me. Here are some of the good times we shared:
- I would get on his shoulders and he would run around the halls of the dorm. My feet would be dragging on the floor. Sometimes I would pinch him on the neck. That meant to run faster. He was strong as an ox.
- I would fart in the face of Rumpelstiltskin. It was a lot easier since he was always at ass level but just to be a real stinker, if a few people in the dorm were sitting down in the hall - I would still choose him as my victim.
- I once taped all of his shoes to his ceiling. (I know a little rascal that's gonna be late for class).
- I stole his towel when he was in the shower and when he ran down the hall to his room, I put his towel in the drop ceiling - just out of reach - and had his room mate lock the door. I made sure the door was locked just at the last second. When you can hear that lock click, it makes it more horrifying for the victim.
- When I heard his baby hamsters were dying, I made a mini noose and put it in the hamster cage and wrote a note as if it was left by the remaining hamsters. The note read, "I can't take it anymore. I'm going to kill myself" - implying that it was a suicide. Get it?
Now many of you think that is mean but that's what guys do. See - I told you I had nothing against dwarfs. What abusive things did you guys do to your dwarf friends to make them feel normal?
*Damn it I thought I had invented a word. But someone already made it up.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
OK. I know most of you gay blades are watching American Idol* so here's something to watch at the commercial. It's the Brady's Bunch kids doing Sunshine Day followed by my interpretation of the American Idol judges reviewing them.
Randy: Hey - yeah. Oh I don't know dogs. There was something going on there but....I don't know. It was way pitchy too. Way pitchy dude.
Kara: I'm sorry. It needs work. There's something there but....
Paula: I think that there is...something there but....I mean the outfits are cute - a bit of 70's style that was kind of cool - but I don't know. You guys have something - you just need to go back and put it together a bit.
Simon: (looks at other judges) Are you out of your God damned fucking minds? What the hell was that? .....Where do I even start? The singing, the dancing, the clothes? This must be a joke. I can say without a doubt that the coreography was the worst I've seen in my life. The cheerful sappiness then you go into the fake serious part of the song and then the younger boy with the least talent comes to the forefront for a solo? Are you out of your....THAT'S IT. I QUIT!!!
*I'm watching American Idol too but for research purposes.
I'm tired of non blogging people saying to me,
"You have a blog? Looks like you have a lot of time on your hands."
I'm so sick of that statement because here is my procedure:
1) I have lists of things to post. Half of the ideas I come up with while I'm driving or lying in bed. When I think of the idea - I write the subject down.
2) Then I sit and write the post. Most posts take from 2 minutes to 20 minutes to write. I'm not lying - I have the idea and I write it as fast as I'd write an email to a friend. You can probably tell by some of my errors. After the post is written, I look for a photo. I go to Google Images and it takes no more than 1 minutes. Ever.
3) If I have to add links, that sometimes takes a few more minutes especially if I have to get links from certain posts from blogs.
4) I also am always prepared for posting by having some Youtube videos saved as well as various pictures on my computer that I want to blog about. And I usually have a few half written posts set up in blogger so I'm ready to go.
Honestly, the most time consuming part of blogging for me is commenting on other's blogs. Do these non bloggers ever watch TV or play golf? Those things take time. What's the difference? At least I'm creating something that's making people laugh. And maybe saving lives. Stupid jerks!
So what's your procedure. And for all of my non blogging judgemental readers/friends - Kiss My Grits!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Brady Bunch Kids. Keep On Movin. How God damned embarrassing can you get? The Brady kid that gives me the biggest rash in this performance is Bobby. And Peter - get some dance lessons.
And little Cindy Brady - did you ever hear of lip syncing? Jesus Christ are you off.
Just kidding Fance'.
But it reminded of me of a joke/lie I used to tell people once in a while just to be a dick. It would go like this:
Person: Have you always lived in Pennsylvania?
God I love doing that to people.
Monday, February 23, 2009
So when I put the clip up the other day from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, this is the clip I should have put up.
Chris from Some Guy's blog posted this in the comments section the other day. This is the clip where Harding is talking about his wife and form and content and heaven and hell...and things get peculiar. This may be one of my favorite scenes in any movie.
I'm pretty friendly when it comes to talking to people that are servicing me. But I've got an issue with a particular librarian at our local library. Whenever I check out books, this individual needs to comment on the books.
This person sometimes even opens the book. "'Hmmm. Organic gardening huh? I guess it is about that time that people are starting to think about Spring.'" Or "'Cover Letters for Dummies'. Well you don't have to be a dummy to get your resume together these days.'"
I feel like getting these books out someday - and then this will happen:
"OK. What do we have today?. Oh. 'Making Masks'. Interesting. Alrighty and..Wow, "'The World of Serial Killers'. Creepy stuff there. And finally, 'Cover Your Tracks Without Changing Your Identity.' "
(nervously) "Will there be anything else?"
Yeah. Will you help me carry them to the car?
If The Reader's Digest ever publishes an evil version - I'm going to sell them this post. I think it would fit in nicely with that surprise ending thing I did there.
Marcia Wallace. Never forget. This look - when she was on Match Game.
She hasn't died or anything but I saw her on the Game Show Network when I was flipping the channels the other day and was afraid that people may have forgotten what her look was. Imagine the rejected styles,
"You want me to wear that? And go on television?"
The horror that was the 70's.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
So it's Oscar Night 2009. One of my favorite movies ever is One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Here's a clip of the 1976 winner of the Oscar for Best Actor - Jack Nicholson.
This is the scene where he tells the nuts that he's gonna lift the sink and throw it out the window so he can go down to a bar and sit down and wet his whistle and watch the World Series.
And if anyone can recommend some good movie sites - other than IMDB , Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic - let me know.
Or it could have something to do with the primal desire of chicks wanting to get a wiff of dude's pits. Who knows?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
So I'm almost ready for to leave for the Chester County cocktail party I was telling you about. What? It says "cocktail party" right here on the invite.
To prepare myself for the hipness of a cocktail party I'm reviewing a few clips of Laugh In like this one.
And look at the dude at 13 seconds in wearing the brown jacket and dancing like a fool. He's the Peter Pan Peter Butter guy from that video I showed you the other week.
All right. So long suckas.
So I helped my 89 year old Aunt move out of her apartment today. When anyone moves, there are always people there seeing what they can "get" from the stuff that won't be "moved". Here's the conversation that I heard her having with her 91 year old sister:
Aunt Jane: Margaret you don't want that. It's broken.
Aunt Margaret: I'll get it fixed.
Aunt Jane: No. The top is separated from the bottom, it's not worth it.
Aunt Margaret: I think I want it.
I walk in the kitchen and the item they're discussing?
A plastic dish rack.
And if you'll excuse me I need to get myself gussied up for a fancy cocktail party I'm going to. Mmmmm hmmm.
So last night was the final Late Night with Conan O'Brien Show. I was getting my precious beauty sleep because I need to go help my Dad move my Aunt out of her place (and get precious blog material) so I didn't see the show. I'll have to watch it online later.
But here are a few Conan O'Brien bloopers and outtakes to enjoy.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Is it Friday again? Where did the time go? I guess being a hero makes time move faster. I don't know.
My question for the Friday Send Off song is this - Why is Bobby Sherman such a fag? Now I know people hate this word and I'm not saying he's gay but if you watch Bobby Sherman singing Easy Come, Easy Go in this video with his faggy sleeves, his faggy hair and the faggy way he doesn't open his faggy mouth very wide when he sings you'll have to agree that he's pretty darn faggy. I'm afraid it's the only word that works.
How many of you gals (or guys*) had a crush on him when you were younger? Are you embarrassed now? I think you should be.
So the THAT BLUE YAK Friday Send Off Song this week goes out to:
Punky Bean , Blond Goddess and Chaka. Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog. Go check out their blogs and tell them Dr Zibbs sent you. And if anyone wants to give me a shout out on their blogs, it's always welcome.
187 followers strong.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Here are some of my thoughts on Facebook, Blogs and Twitter. I've put them in list form for ease of reading and memorization.
1. Almost all of my Facebook friends are bloggers.
2. The few real life friends I have on Facebook are friends that won't blow my cover. And believe me, I have shitload of real life friends. I'm not some loser.
3. My real last name isn't Zibbs but real friends are slowly finding me and requesting to be friends. Some I want to be friends with but most I don't want to because I'm afraid they'll blow my cover. Like mentioning my name in a blog comment.
4. I also don't want to be Facebook friends with people that I haven't seen in years that I never really liked much anyway.
5. There are real life friends of friends that I want to write posts about but I would never be able to if these people become Facebook friends of mine. What am I supposed to do? Mentally keep track of what stories I can't tell? And do you realize I haven't even scratched the surface of things to post about? I've got years of true life stuff that I haven't even touched on yet and I'm already feeling stifled because my sister's now read my blog. Once in a while.
6. I don't have the desire to share my entire life with everyone anyway on Facebook. "Oh you couldn't make it to my party because you were sick huh? Then why do you have those pictures of yourself in Philly on Facebook?" I don't need that crap.
7. Who the hell uses Twitter? More importantly, who gives a crap about what people are doing every minute of the day? Unless of course it's coming from me. Remember about when I was looking at that bird last week? Do people EVER post anything interesting on Twitter? I don't get it. Unless someone has been kidnapped or there's a burgler in their house - Twitter is boring. "OH MY GOD - HE'S COMING UP THE STEPS!"
8. How to you post a link on Facebook so I can do it and promote my blog more? I'm sure it's easy to figure out but I don't feel like figuring it out.
9. I've been debating putting pictures of myself on Facebook because honestly, I'd be frustrated as hell if I read someones blog for a year but had no idea what they looked like. On the other hand, I kind of like the mystery. I just can't decide. If you're a regular reader and would like to be my Facebook friend, send me a request. If you're a real life friend that wants to be my Facebook friend get in line. Then you'll be ready if and when I reveal myelf. And honestly, it's less about keeping the mystery and more about people finding out who I am as I start to write some amazing real life stories. Stories that will make me look like an a-hole, a crazy person or get me in big trouble with people.
10. I am tempted to have an additional Facebook with real friends because I have so many different friends and lots of people that I'd like to get back in touch with. The downside is that I'm sure I'd get lots of people wanting to "get together" when there's no way in hell I want to see them. I had a guy from high school call me out of the blue a few weeks ago and wanted to get together. I never called him back because I'm sure he'd ask "When are you free?" and I really can't say, "I have an opening in 50 years" so I'd probably end up meeting with him.
11. The bottom line of all of this is that I've really stopped telling real life friends about my blog because if it ever gets to the point that I can't write what I want to write because it might hurt my career or I know that someone's going to read it and get pissed - I'd have to just shut down my blog. Imagine the suicides. I can't live with that.
12. And one more thing about my blog. I like to write THAT BLUE YAK the same way I would talk to a bunch of friends at a party. Hey we're at a party. Everyone is hanging out and laughing. Then all of a sudden - here come a few of my friend's "Christian friends" or uptight, fat ass sister. Now the party is ruined. That's what I don't want to happen. That's why I keep things private.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I love to hear people cracking up. Here's a video of a crazy foreigner weather lady in Europe and she can't stop laughing. I've tried to interpret it and all I can make out is,
"There is a very bad storm coming and it will kill many people but only in countries that aren't important".
.....something like that.
I found the best restaurant in the area. And it's free! Well, kind of free - after the exclusive membership into the club. Above you'll see a picture I snapped at the Exton chapter of the eatery "Sam's Club".
And do you see those people standing behind those carts? OK - remain calm. They're giving out FREE food! Whenever I'm in Exton and feeling hungry, I like to pop in there for some meatballs, lasagna or even salmon. I'm not sure what type of cuisine it is from the outfits that the help are wearing but if I'm not mistaken, aprons, plastic gloves and shower caps are traditional costumes worn by some people in South America -might be the Yanamamo. I'm not sure.
I like to eat at one of the carts, then go to the others, then return to the original. A little tip though - try to reach around and grab the food or take your coat or hat off so you look like someone else after you get to five or more visits because the waiters and waitresses do start looking at you funny for some reason.
And don't act all stupid and say, "Have you seen my identical twin brother around here? We came in this place and now I can't seem to find him. I'm not hungry but let me just try one of these shrimps since I'm standing here waiting for my identical twin brother to return anyway. Mmmm. Tasty".
Because that's MY line.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Look at this picture I took that I just found on my computer. It's a photo I took at the Brandywine Battlefield here in PA. Look at the composition of that photo. I mean really look at it. It's so arty I bet that some of you cried a bit. It's OK you babies. Go get a tissue and read on.
Did you know that the Battle at Brandywine was the biggest battle in the Revolutionary War between us and the crooked toothed English. And did you know Washington's headquarters were there? It's all true.
But more importantly, what do you think is inside the hole in that tree? When I took the picture I was thinking that if I looked in it an animal would probably bite me in the face. And I had no friends with me so I couldn't say, "Hey go look in that hole. Someone just dropped their wallet in there". I guess we'll never know.
I'll tell you one thing though, judging by the height of the hole on that particular type of tree and given the number of years ago that the battle was, I bet the height of that hole in the tree was exactly the height of a soldier's......Oh you people are pervs!!
And not to get too artsy on your asses, here's another photo I took at the historic Brandywine Battlefield. Look how I positioned the crazy tree above the little ice house down there. It's like the tree is warning you, (talking like Shirley from What's Happenin' and What's Happenin' Now) "DO NOT GO IN THAT HOUSE RAJ - DO NOT EVEN DO IT!"
Can you hear that? No? Listen again - closely and open you imagination. And your heart.
Please feel free to leave your respectful interpretations of this fine art in the comments sections.
So in my list of 25 things about me I mentioned that Homies were something I used to collect but don't anymore. A few people asked what Homies are. Homies are little plastic "home boys" that were available in gumball machines. I'm not sure if they're available still or not.
Honestly, the sculpting on them used to be great then it looks as though the sculpting was done in China because it was far inferior to the original pieces.
I actually met the creators when I went to the International Toy Fair for work a few years ago. They were really nice guys that came up with a cool idea at the right time.
What do you people collect?
And remember, I still collect zippo lighters so if you're ever looking for a gift for me - that's what I want. Just don't be cheap. You can get them on Ebay. Or maybe even ask your friends and family if they have any that you can have. You might want to try that too. Either way, get me a Zippo.
Monday, February 16, 2009
So I reach into my pantry earlier and what to my delight do I find? Captain Crunch Crunchberries. So I'm eating it dry out of the box and guess what? There's no damn visual of the Crunchberrie Beast on the box.
The Crunchberrie Beast was a pretty cool cereal character. What happened? Like everything else it probably had something to do with political correctness. Probably the result of some cross-eyed lobbyist group. Stupid jerks.
Here's the commercial from days of old.
Behold the new opening to The Simpsons! Has anyone seen this yet online? I think it premieres next week. My favorite parts are just the fact that they show the Lard Lad donut boy and when Maggie confronts the baby with the monobrow.
So what do you think? And what do you think of people with monobrows?
Here's a picture* of my Golden Lab (alias Parcheezi for security purposes) trying to pull a huge frozen stick out of the snow. Look at him go. Sadly, he failed because it was frozen solid into the ground.
And if you look at the bottom of the picture...what the hell? Is that the shadow of my head? Oh my God! What's going on there? It's all mis-shapen and what not.
Oh no. I hope I'm really not an elephant man or something but when I look in the mirror I see a normal looking person.
I better go check.
*To be honest - this picture is from last year.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
1. When I'm alone, I talk and sing to myself. If I recorded it, you'd probably be pretty entertained.
2. I have ADHD.
3. I love taking baths. As long as I have a few beers to drink and something to read in there. As a matter of fact, I had one tonight then went to a neighbor's house with my wife to watch Slumdog Millionaire.
4. I've plucked a chicken.
5. One time two older kids tied me to a tree using just my legs.
6. I have two kids. A boy -15 and a girl - 12.
7. Despite what you read on my blog, if you met me in real life you'd be surprised that I'm pretty normal.
8. I collect Zippo lighters. And I used to collect Homies, Simpson stuff, old advertising stuff, ashtrays, pez and belt buckles. Except for the Zippos - all of the other stuff is in my attic.
9. I can ride a unicycle.
10. I'm terrible at math. Sometimes I use my fingers to add.
11. I've been to China. Deep, deep into China where white people have never been. (I'll write a post about this soon).
12. I have a birthmark on my knee that looks like the Caspian Sea.
13. I did a duathalon a few years ago. 5k run - 10 mile bike - 5k run.
14. I used to do stand up comedy.
15. I've developed over 3000 products including Jack Daniels, Disney and Warner Brothers products.
16. I rarely lie.
17. Some of my favorite foods are crawfish, ribeye steaks and pistachios.
18. I have pictures of myself with many celebs including Sally Jessie Raphael.
19. I just remembered the other week that I have a list of every woman that I've ever been with - with details. I hid the list somewhere years ago so I'd have it when I'm old and I'm now trying to remember where it is.
20. When traveling, one of my favorite things is going to bars and meeting strangers. No, not just women. Just interesting people. I wish had started a travel journal years ago.
21. I have a phobia of retarded people. Especially when they see me and approach me.
22. I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone. Naaaaaaaa. Naaaaaaa. Naaaaaaa.
23. I used to go to England all the time for work and sadly, every picture I took was lost. Stupid computers.
24. I hate rap but I can make up freestyle rhymes/rap in a flash.
25. If I could do anything for a job I would write for a sketch comedy show.
Do you know what that is above? You're looking at carnitas * - pork tacos - from Don Gabriels in West Chester. As you can see from that copy of the Daily Local News sitting there, this picture was taken back in the September when the West Chester, PA bomber was on the loose. And I wrote my amazing posts about the story.
OK, back to the carnitas. Have you ever eaten something that is so good that you order the same thing over and over at the same place because you're afraid if you order something different you might make a bad decision? And then you'll regret it?
That's how it is with these carnitas. It's shredded pork, with some onion and cilantro all packed into a handmade tortilla. And they have a killer red sauce that I dump over it. And a squeeze of lime.
I swear I've been there a dozen times in the last few months. Sometimes simple food is the best. I hereby give these Pork Carnitas the THAT BLUE YAK SEAL OF TASTYNESS. Si'.
*Note that the one on the far right is the pork carnita. The other two are BBQ pork carnitas.
The other week when I showed you Star Trek's Captain James T Kirk fighting the Gorn I said it might have been the worst TV fight ever.
Maybe I was wrong because check out Steve Austin (aka The Six Million Dollar Man) fighting a Bigfoot (aka Sasquatch). And I love Steve Austin's question when he meets up with bigfoot,
"Can you understand me? Are you a man?" He actually sounds like Captain Kirk .
And my second favorite part is when he rips off Bigfoot's arm. Nice.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day to my female readers. And for a special present, I'm going to offer you this:
OK. Cut out a heart in the shape of what you think might be the size of my head. Now glue it to a broom.
OK. Now go change into something slutty and come back. I'll wait.
(you come back) Hey. Looking good. Now hit play on this Foghat song Slow Ride and follow the instructions below.
Oh Yeah! Now grab the broom and pretend it's me. MMM hmmmm. That's it - keep dancin'...there you go. Yeah. A little grinding?...oh yeah baby - don't mind if I do.
OK up against the wall? Alllll right.
(repeat until song ends then make out with the broom).
Happy Valentine's Day! I'm glad I just made it your best ever.
I just had a a biscuit with jelly on it. While I was eating it, I started thinking about jelly donuts. Then I thought..what would it be like if I were in a big ole' jelly donut costume and I was doing some freestyle rap?
Then, sadly - I went to the Youtube and found out it's already been done. Oh well. If I were a freestyle rappin jelly donut this is close to how I would do it.
Friday, February 13, 2009
So my Friday Send Off Song live from Chester County PA is Faith. Since the George Michael versions can't be embedded on my blog, here's a cover that I found on the Youtube from some girl named Reina Del Cid. She's got some chops on her.
And the Friday shout out goes to:
Dedene - a reader from France.
Miss Amy - from the blog Finding Miss Amy.
JadedJ - from Banquet of Consequences.
So if you have faith in this blog, stop back this weekend to see various posts about local things as well as videos I'll be posting in attempt to blatantly get as many hits for my blog as possible using luring titles, content and tags.
175 followers strong.
Even as far back as 3rd grade at Mary C Howse Elementary, I remember giving the Valentine's Day cards to girls in my class based on what they looked like. And it was tough because those crappy card packs of 30 back in the 70's didn't give you much to choose from.
So for example the girls I liked got a card with a cute puppy, kitten or rabbit.
The girls I didn't like got the goofier cards like the giraffe with crossed eyes peaking his head through a second story window, "I'll put my neck out for you" or the hog eating a corn cob and rolling in mud, "It's corny but will you be my Valentine?"
I wasn't trying to be mean to the uglier people. They probably didn't even pick up on what I was doing. I guess in some way I was hoping the cute girls would pick up on it. Did everyone else do this or am I the only shallow one?
All I know, when it comes to Valentine's Day and my readers, "I Choo Choo Choose You" ......and you and you. But not you.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
You're not going to believe this! Are you sitting down? I was just at Wawa* getting a chicken salad sandwich (with provolone, tomato, lettuce and sweet peppers) and I saw a woman that was the size of a miniature Sasquatch.
This Sasquatch lady was huge. I'm 6'2" and she had at least an inch or two on me but she was solid bulk. Not fat. Solid. Like a Bigfoot only a bit smaller - like a mini Bigfoot.
So I discreetly did the old elevator eyes - look up then down at her then up again. Once I got to the top floor again it was confirmed - this lady was of mini Bigfoot size.Then of course I wondered what it would be like to be with a bigfoot lady in the sack (or the cave).
I wonder how many people do her and when they're done they say, "I've got to come clean. I only had sex with you because I'm a major Bigfoot fan."
Actually, I wonder how many people have done that and lived to ask the question. You know, because the mini Bigfoot lady probably killed them and all.
*For safety purposes I'm not going to tell you which Wawa it was. And I also don't want the press hanging out waiting for Sassy. C'mon, give the poor lady a break.
Remember my Facebook status yesterday? When it said, "Jim Zibbs is looking at a bird"?
Then later it said, "Jim Zibbs is wondering where that bird went. OH THERE IT IS!"
And then the blogger H said something like, "You are so weird but I find that endearing."
Well she might think I'm even more endearing because it's final. I've made the decision to capture that bird. Or at least have him eat seeds out of my hand. Or if not that bird (that bird that I'm looking at right now) another bird.
Does anyone have any experience doing this? If so, please let me know the steps and which birds it works best with. I'd also like to know the dangers. I will name the bird after the person that helps me capture him.* Also, I live in Southeastern PA so don't tell me how I can catch a Monkey Eating Eagle or an Ostrich because you'll be wasting your time and mine.
The only thing I tried to capture ever was a rabbit when I was five. My trap was a cardboard box propped up with a stick and the stick had kite string tied to it. I hid behind a tree but caught nothing. At the time I blamed my mom because she gave me lettuce instead of carrots for bait but I bet I was sitting up wind. Who knows.
*(Praying to self) Please let their name be Chirpy. Please let their name be Chirpy.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Has anyone ever seen this video of Richard Simmons when he was on Who's Line Is It Anyway?
If you want to see the funniest video with tons of Richard Simmons gay moves - check this out. I had tears coming down my cheeks. And I don't think I've ever seen an audience laughing this hard. Ever.
And note how in the lower right corner it says, "ABC Family". Ironic.
Tell me what you think. You've got to love Richard Simmons with his exercise clothes and big ole' fro. His look hasn't changed in 25 years.
You know those situations where you're not supposed to laugh but you can't control yourself? My worst situation like this was in 7th grade when my friend Flare was playing the violin with some of the other no talent violin playing students. There's nothing funnier than kids mangling the violin and you're supposed to sit quietly and pretend that it sounds good. "Are they supposed to be playing the same thing?"
I'm surprised that nothing burst that day. I'm not kidding you. It's that feeling of holding the laughter in. It just kills you. It's like the episode of Seinfeld when Jerry puts the Tweety Bird Pez on Elaine's lap.
Here's a clip I found on the Youtube of a foreign talk show. Probably Russia or Croatia. Who knows. The minute the guest starts talking with his high voice, the talk show host just loses it and he tries to hold in his laughter throughout the interview. Just look at the interviewer as he attempts to compose himself.
This video is pure gold. Pure gold I tells ya!
Are you a reader of my blog but you never comment? That's called a lurker you know. Or do you read my blog and you haven't left a comment in a while?
If so, please leave a comment in the comments section. I just want to get an idea who's out there. You can even just say, "Hi" if you can't think of anything to say. Or tell me your favorite food. Or what you like most about my blog.
I don't care. I just want to see who is secretly reading my blog.
And if you're a regular commenter, you're allowed to leave a comment too if you want. But leave some space for the new commenters.
Here's a picture that I took a few months ago in West Goshen PA near the Chester County Book Company. I'm in my car. Watching. Waiting. There was a car crash and the Good Fellowship Ambulance people were there doing their thing.
I pulled over to take this picture. I guess I was hoping there was a chance that I could be a hero but there wasn't. I was thinking about approaching anyway (after making sure hair looked good),
Me: Excuse me, I'm the blog world's Dr Zibbs from That Blue Yak. Can I be of any assistance.
Ambulance Person: Sir, you need to back up and...you're Dr Zibbs?
Me: Yes. Yes I am. Is everything under control.
Ambulance Person: Now it is.
Maybe I should just carry around a few tinfoil wrapped letter "Z's" in my car and when I see an accident I can approach and give the accident victims a tinfoil wrapped "Z",
"Hang in there, maybe this will help."
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Valentine's tips are easy to find online. We thought we'd ask THAT BLUE YAK'S fork lift operator Ernie Melson to share some of his wisdom with us this February 14th. Here are the tips he scribbled on a bag while "pinchin' one off". (By the way we call him Vic because he looks like Vic Taybak)
Follow these tips and you'll probably be able to be gettin' it on later wid out liftin' a meat hook on her.
Look. Closely. I mean squint*. It's another West Chester celebrity - native Bam Margera from JackAss Movie fame. I snapped this shot outside of Sprazzo's in downtown West Chester.
If you're a fan or not, he's got a great new club here in West Chester on Market Street called The Note. It's a great place to see a band.
If the people at The Note would like to treat me - Dr Zibbs - to some free drinks in exchange for me sitting at their bar and drinking, by all means contact my people and I'll try to find some time.
*or click to enlarge dummy.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Here is a clip that someone made using video of Corky (actor Chis Burke) and his mom from the show Life Goes On. I found it on the Youtube.
The mashup is very simple but brilliant. Just the addition of sound to the video changes everything.
Now I'm not showing you this because I just watched it 10 times in a row and can't stop laughing at the scream that can be heard at the end of the clip. No. I'm showing it to you as an introduction - a forum if you will - on the topic of immaturity that I'd like to start.
Yup. That's why.
And if you can't watch videos at work, scribble out a reminder to watch it when you get home. Do it now because you know you'll forget.
So today, February 9 is Joe Pesci's *birthday. He was born in 1943.
And here's a clip from one of the best Joe Pesci movies - GoodFellas. I can't believe that this movie was made in 1990. Times flies.
This is the famous, "funny like a clown" scene - as I like to call it.
* And on a side note, Joe Pesci sang at Vincents Blue and Jazz Bar here in West Chester before he was famous.
So was the world, gathered around their TV sets last night asking the same question that I was?
How the hell did this tubby from Teen Wolf (standing behind Michael J. Fox) run down the basketball court more than once without fainting?
See what I did there? You thought I was going to mention the Grammy Awards, then all of a sudden I sneak in a question about Teen Wolf that was also on TV last night. I got you there didn't I?
I did watch a bit of the Grammy Awards but that freestyle rap nonsense* is something I can't take. Seriously, I'm convinced they could pull any homeless dude off of the street and he could babble the same junk on stage and nobody would know the difference.
Do we all at least agree on that?
*The absolute worst is that dope Kanye West.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Look at this picture that I snapped in front of some restaurant at the Reading Terminal Market in Philly. It shows some food and the sign says, "PLEASE DO NOT EAT THIS SAMPLE!!!"
Isn't this just asking for some wise ass - like me - to take a big ole' bite out of it or steal it and sprinkle a few crumbs on the plate? Then leave a note on the plate that said, "SORY, I KAN NOT REED".
I think it would more effective if they just put unappetizing things around the food to deter people. Like fake bugs or urinal cakes. I don't know.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
* That's a picture of Duffers above. It should be more crowded then what you see in the picture.
I don't have a band. Yet. But when I do, I'd like to do a cover of The Patty Duke Show theme.
When we tour, I think it would be great to have ugly twins from each city come out and dance while the song plays. I'm talking some really freaky looking twins where you look in horror and ask, "You mean there's TWO of you??
Maybe we'll make fun of them on the big screens that they won't be able to see while they're dancing.
I'm not sure yet. I'll work out that detail after I learn how to play an instrument.
Do you see what I see? That's no llama folks. That ridiculous looking creature is an alpaca. I took this picture in October when I was at the Octoberfest at The Village at Saint Peters here in PA.
If I were an alpaca I'd be embarrased. Honestly, I'd rather be a goat. I'm not kidding. Look at him just staring ahead. And the llama in the background is looking the other way. Probably wants no association with this clown.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Mmmm. Look at that Blackened Crawfish Poboy picture I just found on my computer from a year ago. I got that Poboy at Crawdaddy's Bayou Bar and Grill at 1215 West Chester Pike in West Chester. And I hereby declare that it was totally tasty. It was crawfish, lettuce, onion, tomato and some type of sauce (I think a mustard sauce) all packed into a bun.
Don't you wish you were eating it? Lets pretend together.
And for the gift giving planning, crawfish is one of my favorite foods.
You may not believe me but see the shirt that Sammy Davis Jr is wearing below while he sings Mr Bojangles? If that shirt had some huge, orange horizontal stripes it would have been a shirt that I had in 3rd grade.
Of course Sammy's zipper must be broken because look how unzipped it is. Hmmmm. And I swear my sister had that belt.
So this is the Friday send off song for this week. And the shout outs go to:
Andrew Rodriguez from the blog Arod 138 in Beautiful West Chester, PA for his hysterical comment on today's post about falling down. Check out his blog for some great pics of West Chester and it's famous Gay and High Streets that I always blab about.
Rachel from the blog Reservation For Six also for her great comment today which was about her husband falling down the steps while imitating her being pregnant.
Son of a Thomas from the blog Son of a Thomas - He used to blog but closed his blog and has started recently under a new name. He's very funny. He's going to be holding a contest next week so go check his blog out and become a follower so you don't miss out on the fun. Maybe the prize is an Iphone? Who knows? I don't.
And for the ladies and my gay readers, look closely at Sammy's junk in this video. You can kind of make out the shape of his package. And if my eyes aren't playing tricks on me, it looks like he has it pointed upward to the heavens. Am I seeing thing?
171 followers strong.
The one downside of global warming - if it's even true - is that there's less snow. And less snow mean me seeing less people slip and fall. And that makes my heart sad.
Here are three falls that have happened to me.
Age 4 - I was sleeping at my Nana's house and she said that my feet were dirty so I needed to roll up my pajama pants and rinse my feet off before bed. When I was in the tub I decided that I wanted to try and surf on the soap. Just in case you want to try, it's pretty much impossible. Ahhhhhh!
Age 23 - Leaving a Halloween party with my date (I was dressed as a woman), we run into some people I know that were coming into the party. I started hamming it up by doing a really white trash dance, pulling up my skirt and doing the old hands pulling up the hair move. I must have slipped on the high heel and my knee popped out of its' socket and I fell backwards, breaking a wooded fence and a $300 camera I had borrowed from my date's bother. WHOOOOOAAAA!
Last year - My daughter left the conditioner bottle open in the tub so while I was taking a shower, the dangerous, slippery fluid was seeping out of the bottle. Like a carefree cowboy unaware that a rattlesnake is at his ankles, I turn off the shower and reach for by towel. Still whistling my tune.....YAAAHHHHH-NOOOO!
I fall halfway out of the tub. When the fall was over my legs were in the tub, the top of my body was on the outside of the tub. I had a black and blue mark the size of a Frisbee.
(Trumpet with plunger over it) WA WA WA.
Care to share any spills you clumsy asses took?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
So the other day I gave you the worst dancing in a video ever. Then I treated you to the worst fight in a TV show ever....
I now give you the worst fake fall ever. Hands down. Biggest phony baloney fall ever caught on film. Watch closely as the black lady walks by the old white lady and taps her on the back of the head.
And you know the people that know the lady that fell were like, "Oh Mable! Get the hell up! Don't even try it. She does that at least once a month you know."
And if you really want to laugh, click on the link and look at the comments that the racist viewers on Youtube left. To read them, click here.
So I had to bring my son to the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor yesterday because he's been getting nose bleeds. The doctor had to cauterize his nose which means he had to break the blood vessel a few times. In case you're wondering, I was very brave during the whole procedure. I found that if I didn't look it made it easier.
So the nurse brings us into the examination room for the 25 minutes wait. And sitting on the table is this horrifying picture*:
If I was an Ear, Nose and Throat nurse and a patient was being a dick, when I brought the person to the room I would say,
"Oh - don't be startled by that picture, it's extremely rare that you're going to end up looking like that. Only 1% - 2% end up looking like that. OK between you me it's more like 5% -10% depending on the doctor's mood. But that's still low. Don't you think?"
*If a nurse walks in while you're snapping a picture in an examination room, immediately put your hands up and say, "Not stealing anything." If you don't, they might think you were trying to steal some of the instruments.