Sunday, August 31, 2008

Hawaii Five-O Inspires West Chester Youngster

My friend "the Child", started playing the Trumpet in 7th grade at North Junior High (now Peirce Middle School) for two reasons. One, was so he could play the Star Trek theme. The other, was so he could play the theme song of Hawaii Five O. Here's the video. And check out the kick ass camera edits. To see the video click the words: Tasty touch.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I'll Be Struttin' My Stuff Into This West Whiteland Party With Foghat

.....and little more fresh hot pepper from the That Blue Yak Vegetable Garden of Hope ....yup - that should do it.....Oh Hi. I was just finishing up making one of my mind blowing chili's that I'll be bringing to a party tonight. The downside is that it's a surprise party which means by definition, it won't be "all about ME." Which is unfortunate because over 100 people are expected. Some of them don't even know me - or my charms. But they will. It's just gonna take a little bit of elbow grease.

To give myself a memorable grand entrance, I'm gonna first call, pretending I'm the police and complain about the noise, "You need to keep the noise down".

I'll wait about five minutes then I'm then gonna put speakers outside of my car, and when I strut my junk in, I'm gonna be blaring this song. If you look at 43 seconds into the video, you'll get a little sneak peak as to what the guests will be doing.

Someone will say, "Zibbs, the police just called and said we had to keep it down."

I'll look at that person and say, "Problem solved" (I'll be holding the receiver of a phone - cord a danglin'). Someone tosses me a beer and I open using the teeth of a buck toothed gentleman that hopefully will be lingering around the buffet table.

Some chick will ask, "Who is that guy?"

Using a my catlike agility and a trick that Chris Angel taught me in Vegas, I'll suddenly be behind her - I'll tap her on the shoulder and say, "The question is - who AREN'T I?" (head tilted and brow raised). It'll make no sense but boy will it leave an impact.

I could tell you the rest, but honestly, I'm gonna ad lib the rest. That's just the my style. All I know, it's gonna be a slow ride.

Rip Taylor Lives On In This Corny Stand-up Video

I don't think he's dead yet by he still lives on. For how stupid comedian Rip Taylor is, I still can't help from laughing at him. I mean - who can forget the $1.98 Beauty Pageant? C'mon people. If you like stupid, corny jokes told by a feminine guy with a toupee on Norm Crosby's Comedy Shop, you'll love this clip. To view it, click the words: Let's get laughin'.

Friday, August 29, 2008

1970's Am Radio Ideal Commercial - Philly and NJ

"It's not a fancy salon - it's just a quonset hut." If these words sound familiar, you listened to AM radio in the Philly and New Jersey area in the 1970's. This radio spot was on all the time. The classic line was, "Take the wheel of you automobile and swing on down to....Ideal."

Apparently it was on Route 30 - the White Horse Pike in Jersey in Hammonton. Even though my mom had a passion for fashion AND a craving for savings, I don't think we ever went there. It probably had something to do with the quonset hut - it sounds too foreign and different.
To here the song, click the word SAVINGS

You Love My Song, Now Enjoy The Can

Chester County To Hear Premier of Bubble Up This Weekend

I enjoy taking my mp3 recorder to the local WalMart. When I run into a shopper that appears worthy, I ask in question form:
"Bubble Up?"

They in return respond in question form: "Bubble Up?"After 20 or 30 interactions with the public I now have GOLD!!!With some quick editing skills and an uncanny sense of rhythm, I now have a catchy little tune that goes something like this;

Bubble up
Bubble up, bubble up, bubble up
Bubble up (pause)
Bubble up, bubble up, bubble up

In the near future, I will take my 1980's boom box, hoist it high upon my shoulder and march down the street with the whimsical "Bubble Up" song playing loudly as children and woodland creatures gather too me.

Much like the famed Pied Piper.

All will be amazed as I become the talk of the town.


Thursday, August 28, 2008

West Chester Blogger Endorses Missing Palmer West Video

One of the bloggers on my blogroll is JDizzle from the blog Hometown Hangover. She's the one I mentioned that's from West Chester but we've never met. Anywho, she and her husband did this unbelievable stop motion video for a band called Missing Palmer West (they even have a cello* in the band). They just performed in Philly. I'm about 95% sure that her husband is the singer.

Anyway, the song is very touching. That's correct, I DON'T have a heart of black coal. It sounds a bit like the Beatles but there's another group that it reminds me of that I can't place. Let me know in the comments who you think they sounds like.

So go check out the TBY endorsed video and don't forget to tell her Zibbs sent you. To view it click: here.

*Look at the picture of the cello above. Knowing that the picture is undoctored, look at what the one area is called. Yup. The "F-hole."

West Chester Blogger Shares Steps to Building Memorable Characters

..speaking of old people, the characters portrayed in the last post were actual real people that I saw in the Exton Kmart last week. I never met these old people, I just saw them there. I'm not kidding. Never met them but I was still able to get inside their heads and turn words into character that "jump off the page".

You my friend are about to get a free lesson on how to create memorable characters in a blog post. Here's how you can get some of the boring characters YOU write about in your posts "come to life".

1) Always, always carry a camera, tape recorder, note pad and release forms.
2) Go to a mall or Kmart. These places are full of freaks from all walks of life. And these future characters of yours will be gabbin' about all kinds of things. "I think the sale said it goes until Friday" is what you might hear from someone. Write this gem down. When you get home, review what you've heard and try replacing the words with different words. It's that simple. How about:

"I think the GIANT BIRD said it goes until Friday."

"I think the sale said it goes until MARTIN LUTHER KING'S BIRTHDAY."

(See? It's like mad libs but easier).

3) What if you see some weird looking guy but he's just not talking? How are you going to turn this guy into blog gold when he hasn't said a word? I never said this was going to be easy. You, yes you need to GET him to talk. Turn on your voice recording device and try this.
You: You've won!
Muse: Won what?
You: You'll see. (flee the scene).

4) Draw a few rough sketches of how your characters walk. When at home, piece these sketches together and live that walk through practice. Forgot to number the order on the sketches? No problem. Imagine some of the quirks your character might have now! You might even have created a crazy walking creature from scratch!

5) Live the life of the characters you've created for at least a day. Don't break character. Remember that pickle joke post? I wore a green leotard and cape around for a day. Sure it looked ridiculous and you look like a fool at a wedding but WHO CARES?

OK. That's it for now. Give it a shot and let me know some the techniques you've tried.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

West Whiteland Moving Truck Nonsense

Jokes on the road should be illegal*. I snapped this picture in West Whiteland the other day. It's a moving truck with the image of a guy waving, decaled on the back. Do you think that old people ever see this moving truck and this happens:

Edna: Oh my God Ernie, that young man's gonna fall out of that truck!

Ernie: What? Hey he can't do that!

Edna: You better stop at a phone booth to call the 911.

Ernie: (leaning out window) HEY YOU. ENOUGH OF THE HORSE PLAY!

Edna: Don't taunt him. He might have a knife.

Ernie: Knife-smife. That guy is creating a hazard on the road. PULL OVER!

Edna: Oh my God he's stopping.

Ernie: That smart aleck is smiling. What's he smiling at?
Edna: Oh my God he's probably selling something. ERNIE DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!

*One time I was driving down the road and glanced over at a truck and there was a rubber leg hanging out as "a joke". I swear my heart almost stopped.

Orange (Grapefruit) You Glad I Didn't Say Nipple?

When someone mentions an oddity concerning their nippleage in a blog post, the only thing one can do is pester them in the comments area until they get grapefruits and put their visual aids where their mouths (aureoles) are.
(On a side note before I continue: the more my readers mention me, Dr Zibbs, in their blog posts, the more we all win. And the more the terrorists don't win).
To see what the hell I'm even talking about, read this excellent post by my great blogfriend Gwen. To be transported to this land, clicky the words: wacky wafer.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Yikes - 100 Things To Do Before You Die Author Dies

Dave Freeman, the author of 100 Things To Do Before You Die, died today. He was only 47. He died after hitting his head on the floor in his home. This is not only unfortunate for him, but for me because I don't even have a bucket list! That's it. I'm starting one now. Freestyle. No editing. Here are the top 10 I'm making up:

1) Have hardwood floors in my home covered in foam or feathers.

2) Make and eat the first Ostrich-tur-duck-en-hen-shrimp. (It's like a Turducken but has an ostrich as it's outer shell, and inside the chicken can be found a cornish game hen and a plump juicy shrimp - paint a smiley face on the shrimp as a sign of accomplishment and to add a bit of whimsy to the meal).

3) Fake my death and then when someone is talking about me jump up and say, "AHAAAA!"

4) Make love to a tree.

5) Walk up to people that are in the middle of a conversation and get 2 inches from their faces and start start saying, "BABABABABABA".
When they say, "This is preposterous".

Say, "No your face is" and judo flip them.

6) Spit on a camel.

7) Run with the bulls but instead of bulls, use people with deformed hands and instead of running, ride a motor cycle. And instead of them chasing me, chase them.

8) Be on a sitcom and have a catch phrase like, "I've heard of boners but this is ridiculous" (look at camera and cross eyes).

9) Find the most boring lecture happening nearby and when the guy is talking, walk up and kick him in the nuts. Then say, "Time to take out the garbage" and have two muscle men carry him out. Look at crowd and shrug shoulders. Pause for laughter.

10) Tell someone that is a part-time paranormalist that I'm going to give them funding to go full time. Then, after they quit their job and ask for the money, tell them, "Sorry, a ghost ate it."

Who's The Birthday Boy That Looks Taller On August 26?...

It's August 26. Do you know who's birthday it is? Ernest Borgnine? Nope - guess again. Ramesses II? Not even close. Do you give up? OK I'll tell you. Chris Burke was born today. I know....... you can't MAKE this stuff up but it's true. He was the young lad that played the retarded fellow in the show Life Goes On. It's one of those shows like I Dream of Genie or the Munsters, that once you buy into the concept, you're hooked. Imagine. A retarded person, walking around. Uncaged. Strolling through town and bouncing a ball with one hand. I wish I were a fly on the wall when that show was being pitched.

According to Wikipedia Britannica, after graduating high school, Chris got a job as an elevator operator. I shit you not. Could you imagine? You're done your exhausting day, your boss was yelling at you, it's hot as hell and the elevator door opens. You step in.

Chris: Hi Dr. Zibbs same number floor as everyday or do you want me to push another number today?

Zibbs: (stone faced) No Chris. Same floor. Ground.

Chris: That's the "G". It's all numbers then it goes "G" for ground "B" for basement.

Zibbs: Yup.

Chris: (cleverly discovering concept on his own) I wish they had a "D" for Disneyland. Do YOU wish they had a "D" for Disneyland?

Zibbs: (half listening) Yup.

Chris: I asked Miss Kathy if I could write the "D" on the elevators' buttons but she said it's graffiti. But if I could, then we could go to Disneyland. Right Dr. Zibbs?

Zibbs: (starting to steam) Yeah Chris.

Chris: What rides would we go on if there was a "D" and we hit it?

Zibbs: Uhh. Ground.

Chris: No that's not a ride.

Zibbs: (patience lost) No that is a ride Chris.

Chris: Then it must be a new one because I was there one time. Is the ground ride near the Magic Kingdom or the Epcot Center or the Sea World?

Zibbs: It's in a whole new area of the park, I forget the name of it but why don't you use this elevator phone and dial "M". It's a direct hot line to Mickey. You can ask him.

Chris: Because Miss Kathy said to only use that phone if there's a fire.

Zibbs: No. I just saw her. She said she wanted me to tell you to call Mickey...And that there's a fire.

Chris: She did? OK.

Now this is where it gets complicated because you have two options, turn around and mouth the voice of Mickey as he talks OR have a friend rig up the phone so the friend can talk from a hidden room as Mickey. It's a tough call. With faking the voice while turning around, he's probably going to know it's you. If you rig the phone, you've got to buy all that radio shack shit and get into all of the zoning and safety issues.... Who knows, he may be of legal age but in retarded years he's not - so depending on what state you're in you need the parental permission forms....

Forget it. If you want to waste your day doing this, I'll give you the idea. For free. Run with it. While you work through those complicated logistics. I'm going to spend my valuable Chris Burke birthday time calling him up and pretending I'm a monster.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Why Not to Wear Clothes Out of Your Comfort Zone

It's kind of sad (funny) when people try to reinvent themselves by wearing one piece of clothing or sport a new accoutrement in the attempt to change their look. And it fails. Here are a few real life examples and the reactions that I've witnessed.

- New style: My friend Jim, who was listening to a lot of southern rock, came to the bus stop wearing a cowboy hat. I'm sure there was at least an hour trying different ways to position it on his head. "..and a little bit with the front tip leaning forward..yup that should do it."
Reaction: (Me. Staring with disbelief at hat): "Jim. you can't wear that to school." - said in the same tone I would have said, "Jim, don't jump off the bridge, people can't fly." The hat lasted until third period. It made it's shameful way home at the bottom of a gym bag. It was never spoken of again.

- New Style: In 11th grade, (1981), two preppy football players pulled the ultimate douchebaggery move by coming to school - both of them - wearing clogs.
Reaction: There was complete pandemonium in the cafeteria as they walked in. Word had spread. People in the back of the cafeteria that couldn't see these new exchange students - that looked exactly like two preps in our school except they were gay and from Holland ran up to catch a glimpse. Dumb jocks.

- New Style: Greaser wannabe dude in 7th grade dubbed himself "The Wizard", by writing, "The Wizard" and drawing a bunch of crescent moons, in blue pen on his denim jacket. Just like a unplanned school election poster, he ran out of room so the letters "r" and "d" were squashed and thinner than the other letters.

Reaction: This nickname starter, only succeeded in getting one person to call him the Wizard, In fact, in 12th grade, years after the Wizard jacket hung on a hanger in an attic, covered with spider webs and tears, the same lone person that called him the Wizard was still announcing, "Hey look everyone, it's the Wizard. Don't put a magic spell on me now Wizard. Where's your jacket Wizard?"

Lesson learned: Don't try to be different. Stay plain.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

This Is Why Working Retail Sucks

Here's a great animated short called F**k the Humans by one of my favorite cartoon creators Brad Neely. I just read however that Super Deluxe, the site that owns these videos is going down in a few months. Damn shame.

(POTTY MOUTH LANGUAGE ALERT - turn speakers down or up - depending on your coolness or squareness)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Check Out This Monkey Video

Look at this orangutan. You'd think he's almost human by the stuff he does and the way he walks. Well, more like a dwarf but - you know what I mean. Watch Super Chill Monkey on his journey to a casting call.

My friend in Malvern is painting his house this weekend. If I can get my Jerry Lewis imitation down I'm totally pulling this Batman and Robin bit on his soon to be falling off the ladder ass. Hold on...Let me see if I got it down, "Uh Lady....Ladiee...Lay-deeee" ....Nope. Still needs some fine tuning.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Funky Town - And Roller Skating At Spinning Wheels In PA

When I used to roller skate with my friend Craig in 9th grade - OK, it was 10th - only the classiest place would do. So instead of Caln Roller Rink, we'd head down Delaware way to the upscale "Spinning Wheels Roller Rink". It was similar to Studio 54 except there was no dancing, it had a snack bar and it was full of losers.

We were neither hard core skaters - with the satin jackets and stylish clothes nor the total amateurs. You might say -we were caught between two worlds. How did we survive this uphill battle? We survived with the help of a little song by the group Lipps, Inc. A song I like to call Funky Town. All Skate:

The Ting Tings That's Not My Name

Even though, "They call me Zibbs" was supposed to be in the lyrics of this Ting Tings song. I'm proud of these whipper snappers that I helped mentor. Ok, I didn't help but if they had asked me - I was there. Here's the video

Strangers With Candy Freedom Week With Colbert

This Weekend at THAT BLUE YAK is Video clip week. Here's a clip of one of the funniest shows ever - Strangers with Candy. I have all the seasons on DVD. If you like the Colbert Report, and me, you'll love this. Here's a clip from the show about the dangers of free speech. Are any of YOU fans of SWC? What's YOUR favorite episode or character? Let's share and discuss.

The Secret Bathroom Stories of People And The Peoples That Love Those Peoples

A few years ago, I mentioned something to a few of the gals I worked with and they couldn't believe their ears. It was like when you tell a kid where a baby comes from. What I told them was about one of our visitors to the building and what he was doing in the bathroom. What was this it? While at the urinal, while he was peeing, he had his hands on his hips.

Yup, That was it. The questions started rolling in.

"Is that normal?"

"Do most guys do that?"

When I told them the move is achieved by putting your thing through the hatch on the underwear - and that some guys will even put both their hands behind their neck and use their urinating time to get some stretching in, they got even more giddy and curious. You would have thought I was Magellan returning from the lab after inventing the cotton gin.

"Do you have to be large to do that move?"

"Do the pants have to come ALL the way down."

Just like the purpose of this blog is to help in the battle against Lupus, it's also to educate people. So I think this would be a great time to ask you people to share some secrets that happen behind closed doors.
OK then. Get commenting.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Saddest Story Goes To The Happiest

It's amazing how you can be looking at something and you're sad. Then, Jesus comes and sprinkles his fairy dust on it in the form of a narrator and the situation suddenly goes from all crappy to totally glorious. Here's that magical peanut butter and jelly with a baseball bat moment. Now go out and make it a great day.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

"Don't Tell Me To Look At The Light": The Sneezing Story

Were you ever about to sneeze and you couldn't? Then someone said, "Look at the light". This annoys me so much that it sickens me! It annoys me with the white hot intensity of a thousands suns. Whenever someone does that, I do this:
- I make a mental note.

- Then, I discreetly leave the room and using a #2 pencil, I write a real note - based on the mental note to remind myself of the thing I have to do later. I put the folded note in my wallet or shoe.

- Then, when I get home, I pull the blinds and transfer the words from the note to a date on a "To Do" calendar that is exactly 5 years ahead. (It's a calendar that has pictures of old steam locomotives that an insurance company gave me but I had to re-number the dates to make them 5 years in the future).

- The words that go on the calendar say, "R.E.V.E.N.G.E." (with a picture of a skull with criss-cross knives behind it and snakes coming out of the eyes).

My feelings of rage are like..... "Holocaust angry" but worse. It's like if you barged open the gates of Auschwitz and as you entered - right there in the courtyard is the Alamo. But it's been burned to the ground. See what I mean? If you enjoy gum, you've heard of double the pleasure - this is like double the anger. You get it now don't you? It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Never forget!"

Back to my plan: In five years I'm gonna track that person down. Then, me and the 10 or so actors that I've trained will mingle around the person. We'll wait until they're about to sneeze. Just as the sneeze is about to go down, hundreds of really bright flood lights will go on. It will be almost a blinding light, the extras will all be screaming "Look at the light!!!! LOOK AT THE LIGHT!!!" - using their most horrific screams. Then using their dinner theater acting training they'll make their faces look all contorted and crazy scary.
That's when, using a simple pulley system, I'll cut the rope that's holding the sand filled sacks and it will make me rise, 25 feet in the air. And I'll be it comes......the most evil Devil outfit ever made. From my concealed microphone I'll speak in a voice so deep and confident that it'll make James Earl Jones's voice sound like Hans Moleman. I'll yell, "LOOK AT THE LIIIIIGGGHHTTT!!...LOOK AT THE LIGHT!!"
Oh it's gonna be good.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

PLEASE - I Need Some Vegetable Gardening Help - NOW!

I thought I had everything under control after deer proofing the THAT BLUE YAK GARDEN OF HOPE, but no. I think now I have to gay proof it. This morning, I found this zucchini positioned in the middle of the garden with the two cukes strategically placed to look a like a man's "member". Only I'm worried that it's a warning that "they're" after me? When I first saw this, a gay version of Children of the Corn went through my head and frankly, I was a bit frightened. Not of the gays, but that creepy Children of the Corn red-headed kid with the overbite - that freak always gave me the heebie jeebies.

Let me say, I'm fine with the gays, but I'm not really familiar with their ways. To be safe, the neighbor on the right of my house is away in Ocean City NJ so I broke into their garage and stole the pile of magazines they've been piling up (I grabbed a few PBR's while I was at it too). I then made a path from my garden to my other neighbor's house with alternating copies of People, Organized Living and Glamour Magazine - hoping to lure them into my neighbor's yard.

I'm not sure if it'll totally gay proof my garden but the guy at the Lowes in Downingtown said to try this first and if it doesn't work I could move up to seeds, snares, nets and traps but I'm gonna see how the magazines work first. He was very helpful.

Monday, August 18, 2008

West Chester Dance Fight Results

How do you really explain a dance fight if you weren't there? It's tough. If you haven't lived through one, it's kind of like going to war. Not Nam or the Big One, but like the Falklands War.

The event that happened last night at the Waltz Barn in West Chester cemented my dance gang, The Zibbs Tip Taps, as the premier dance fighting gang in all of Chester County. With that said, enjoy this artists rendering* of my crew on the way to the barn (click on the art to see it at a larger size. Pretend YOU'RE on the way to the fight. Go ahead, give it a try):

*If anyone is interested in purchasing a limited edition print of "Next Stop, Dance Fight", I'll have them printed if I can order at least 1000 of them. It's really not worth my time to print any less. Maybe one of you could collect the money from the others, then just let me know when you have the 1000 orders. Also, I don't want to print over 5000 units because then the art goes from an investment to just a piece of fine art.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

West Chester Dance Off Prep Under Way

I've got my gang all riled up for the big Dance Fight we're gonna be having tonight. It's going to be taking place tonight at 11:00 sharp in the old Henry Waltz barn across from Peirce Middle School on Burke Road. My crew's getting set by stretching, eating right and watching videos - like this vid of Footloose.

Do you see Kevin Bacon practicing with his cowboy hatted friend (Sean Penn's brother)? My crew has been practicing DOUBLE that amount in the fields of Chester County ALL WEEKEND long! I know -it's hard to imagine. But no blood. No glory.

And a message to the "Downingtown Twinkle Toe Warlocks" that we'll be battling: you better have a few ambulances lined up..(dramatic pause)..BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEED EM! - See you at 11:00!!*

*Please bring a donation of a canned good which will be donated to a Chester County agency that helps bums.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

West Chester Blogger Creates Crappy Memory For Mourners

It could of been because I'm getting myself all worked up for the dance off fight I'm going to be picking this weekend but here's a true event that happened this morning:

I was cruising north on route 100 - coming home from the West Chester's Growers Market and had the windows down - stereo a blarin'.

Playing on the radio was the Blood Sweat and Tears song You've Made Me So Very Happy. I'm singing the following line with unbridled pride at the top of my lungs: "You make me shhoo very happy, you make me shhooo - shho very happy baby - I'm shho glad you ........came into my-hi-hi life. " (my heads a shakin' all cockily there on the last line for effect).

As I sang the last line, I noticed there were about 100 people at a cemetary standing around a casket about 50 feet from me. The priest is saying his final words. A few people looked over. I couldn't tell if their eyes were filled with tears or brows lowered with anger. All I know, while people were reflecting on the life of a loved one, some dope was singing this song. That dope would be me.
Note to self/Add these thing to my to do list:

- Make sure when I'm buried, my plot is really far away from the road.
- Sing this song for some friends and ask them, on a scale of 1 - 10, how close they think I sound to David Clayton-Thomas (the lead singer). Personally, I'd give my self an eight, but with a bit of practice, I honestly think I could get up to a nine.

Inspiration For The Big Dance Fight This Weekend

Sorry, for cutting you off in the last post about the Big Dance Fight this weekend. My secretary came walking in and my pants were off so I had to put them back on. ...Anyways, back to the dance fight.

Here's a Kmart commercial from the 1970's or 1980's that I'm gonna play to get my crew in the mood for dance fight blood that's gonna be happening this weekend. If we're short on dancers, I might pull the Pied Piper bit that this guy in the video is doing. But instead of arriving at the savings place, the dancing zombies that follow me will be ending up in a deadly hornets nest - of DANCE FIGHTING!*

*if some of the dance fighters try to leave once at the fight, I might give them the incentive of a fee pair of Kmart stretch slacks.

Friday, August 15, 2008

I'm Totally Picking a Dance Off Fight This Weekend

When I get pissed, instead of using fisticuffs, I use the good ole fashioned clodhoppers -that's right. Me feet. Because this weekend, I'm having my bad ass a dance off. Forget Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Footloose, Singing in the Rain, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo - this gonna be an all out dance off war!

I'm gonna start by getting my old gang back together, the Zibbs Tip Taps. We broke up years ago years ago after one our lead dance fighters got a $13 per hour job at the factory - which was a lot back then. But I'm gonna track everyone down and get them back together:

- Mel "The Human Helicopter" Morris
- "Twinkle Toe Twinkle Ho" Harry

- Leo the Tard

and the rest of the gang that wears green, doesn't have many lines and stands in the background and usually gets injured or killed early in the fight.


Thursday, August 14, 2008

Satarical Post About Ice From New Blogger Wins Ribbon

Here's a post I read that is cracking me up. The name of the blog is called Untitled Blogger Project. It seems he's a friend of Falwless's. Even though it's from a new blogger and his name is, Words, Words, Words (A bit fishy as it sounds almost identical to the game I invented that's sweeping the land (Words, Voice, Motions), I'm gonna give this guy the Dr. Zibbs "Wigglin' Uvula Ribbon". It's a new award I just invented that's a blue ribbon that says, "Wigglin' Uvula Ribbon" and there's a cartoon monkey on it laughing and laugh sweat is shooting out all around him. If you saw it, you'd be like, "What's that monkey laughing at?"

Anyway, here's the post. It's called: Cold as Ice (but has absolutely nothing to do with Foreigner).

Here's a Joke That'll Get You Everytime

What's green and fly's through the air? ..........(see answer below)

Super Pickle!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Breaking News: Tallest Woman Will Take Interesting Questions To Grave

August 13, 2008
It's official Sandy Allen, the 7'7" Indiana giant is dead. What makes this especially difficult for me is that Sandy visited the Downingtown Farmer's Market around 1975 and I didn't get to meet her. Why? Because my parents sheltered me from the Downingtown Farmers Market until I was a teenager. My friend Craig however, whose parents probably didn't love him as much, let him go to gawk at Sandy Allen.
Can you just imagine how my life and probably the nation's future would have been different if I was able to view this special gentle giant lady in person ? - at a safe distance from her cage mind ye'.

I've imagined the day in my head many times. Instead of asking the stupid, "How's the weather up there?", I would asked unique questions like:

- "Did you ever meet the fattest twins? Do they have to put more air in their mini bike tires like every five minutes?"

- "Did you ever swat down a plane?"

- "Can you put your hands up like this?..Yup, that's what I thought."

- "Do you get a discount on each new addition of the Guinness Book of World Records? And can you believe that guy with the curly fingernails? "

- "Did Andre' the Giant ever send you flowers, but instead of flowers, he sent a bouquet of trees?"

The world will never know these answers. Good bye Sandy.

My Blogger's Unborn Babies Deserve The Best Food

It's pretty obvious to me that my readers are - I'll say this is delicately as I can - sluts and pigs. I mean that in a good way though. You enjoy life. You like gettin' in onnnnnn! You know what I mean. "If it feels good - do THIS!" - as they say (Do they still say that?)

I'll bet at least half of you are pregnant now and don't even know it. As a non-US licenced medical doctor I think it's OK for me to endorse a product that may be good for your unborn child. It's called Womb Treats. It's not approved by the FDA yet but by the American style filming of the commercial, could it really be that harmful?

Before I accept the endorsement, I need a few of you people to test it out and tell me what your baby looks and acts like when it's born. The people in the hospital or clinic that deliver your baby will know right away. I'm mostly eager to see if the baby has any super powers or ape-like strength mostly because I could totally endorse a product like that with 100% enthusiasm. Here you go:

Monday, August 11, 2008

What Famous People Have You Met? Here's My List

You'd think that being famous myself - it wouldn't be that big of a deal that I've had interactions with other famous people. It's really nothing to me, but for some of the reader's that are nobodies - you kind of like to live vicariously through me. You know who you are. Celebs I've met (part 1) here goes:

- Gorilla Monsoon (all star wrestler) - Got into a wrestling match in New Jersey by following him in the side door. Told bouncers - we're with the Gorilla. They bought it.

- Steven Wright (comedian) - Met him when I was doing stand-up comedy in the late 80's. Made him laugh from the stage. The club was the comedy works in Philly.

- Sally Jessie Raphael *- met and spoke with at ABC dinner. She hugged me. Smells like you think she would.

- Winnie and Kevin Arnold's brother (from Wonder Years)* - Met them at the an ABC event in Philly at the Museum of Natural Science. She was cute. He was short and dopey but had a 6 foot girlfriend that looked like a model. He told me he had some "projects" he was working on. I knew his days were numbered.

- The guy that was in a dance competition against the Fonz on Happy Days -recognized him at a bar that used to be in Exton called the First Edition. I approached him.

- Lisa Robertson (QVC host) - Saw her a few times when I was at meetings at QVC. Then, since she also lives in West Chester, I've run into her at the Exton Mall, Wawa and other locations. She says hi because I think she thinks she knows me. I'm trying to get up the nerve to say, "So Lisa, what about that thing we were talking about last time? What's goin' on with that thing?" - Just to see what she says . She's HOT.

- The kid that was on the first episode of Cheers before the first commercial starts. He was also on a short lived sitcom where he was a teenager and Ann Jillian was a ghost - recognized him at a club. I approached him and he seemed kind of thrilled that ANYONE recognized him.

- The red headed girl with curly hair from Head of the Class* - met her at ABC TV function. Had some drinks with her. She was pretty cool.

- Amy Steele (actress from Friday the 13th and she was Alex P. Keaton's first boink) - She was the sister of a guy I went to Henderson High School with. When I met her the Bar Restaurant in West Chester, I lied and told her I just got a call back from Wrigley's Gum for a commercial. She was interested to hear about the details and I was too embarrassed to tell her I was just kidding so I made a bunch of stuff up.

- Captain and Mrs Noah (Philly 70's TV celebs) -met at ABC function. Very grandfatherly.

- Chief Halftown (Philly 70's TV celebs) - He was in teepee at Dorney Amusement Park. It was kind of sad.
- John Heinz - (dead PA senator and heir to Heinz fortune) - shook his hand at Exton Mall when I was in 5th grade. He died in a helicopter crash 16 years later. Coincidence?

What celebs have YOU met? Leave in comments area of my blog. Don't even think about lying either.
*(picture to follow - once I find them)

My Favorite Your Momma So Fat Jokes

Here's a list of my favorite old school Yo Momma So Fat jokes. These jokes are very big in the African American Community so most of you crackers won't get them right away. To help with your understanding I urge you to try to say them like you think a black colored might say them.

I wrote none of them as I ain't a racist like you. (and I'm 1/10th Cherokee. My great-great grandfather was an important chief. So, know).

- when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...
- she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind the Himalayas.
- she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
- that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
- she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
- she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
- she's on both sides of the family!
- when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
- when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
- she has to get out of the car to change radio stations.
- she put on a Malcolm X T-shirt and a helicopter tried to land on her.
- that when god said," Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ass out the way first!
- when she dances she makes the band skip.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Costume Rental Places: Please Contact Whiskey Marie

I was reading my friend Whiskey Marie's blog post this morning and it turns out she's having some issues with her contractor. She says in her post that she's going to give him a break and hand him a get out of jail free card.

Since the lovely blogger Gwen so nicely gave her a gift basket recently, it's making me ponder what I can give her so I too can be her friend. Well, I'm already her blogger friend I assume, but I want to be MORE than that. She's one of these chicks that's not only really good looking and sexy but she's also really cool and she's a rocker type and doesn't care about posting pics of herself in goofy (cute) poses. I'm seein' the relationship developing into something like we're hanging out, watching Elvis Costello and other Punk (and some New Wave) videos - (I'll whip out Waiting for Guffman if things seem to be getting too serious). We'll probably be chompin' on some really fresh shrimp and eating pistachios. And she's really cool too- she insists I throw the shells on the floor. She's like that.

Anyways, we're also discussing blogging and she says, "I really like that you're a DOCTOR Zibbs. Would you mind taking a look at this mole and make sure it hasn't moved?"

She pulls up her white tank top (no bra - she's like that) and points to her nipple, jokingly meaning that her nipple is the mole. After she pins me to the floor and tickles me, crazy, laughed filled screwing begins..Squeeze's "Pulling Muscles From A Shell" is blaring. .....Man this is gonna be great!

OK, here's my gift so we can move this friendship up to the next level: Instead of just handing your contractor the Get Out of Jail Free Card, I'll come over, put on the Monopoly Man outfit that's going to be arriving at your house soon and hand it to him wearing the costume. And to really make it great, you'll say to him, there's one more thing to fix, it's in that closet. You leave the room and when he opens the closet, I emerge, all royally and hand his lazy ass the card and say, "You've earned this" (and I'll say it exactly how King Friday from Mr Rogers would say it. I might ad lib something in there about Lady Elaine but I'm not sure yet).
OK, there you go. Call me when the costume arrives. I'll bring the shrimp and pistachios.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Chinese Olympics Opening Ceremony Scandal

August 8, 2008 - I don't know about everyone else, but I for one feel a bit ripped off over all of the hype concerning the ceremony at the Beiijing Olympics. I know the Chinese have been accused of being sneaky, but come on. As the old Chinese proverb says, "This looky like funny biz-nus". $250 million? Pu-leeaasse.

A Salute To A Blogger That's Going To Hell

Whenever I feel like I might be going too far with my blog content. I take the wheel of my automobile and head on down to Fee Feesible Prophesies and look at all of the creepy pictures and videos. Then I'm reaffirmed, "Oh yeah, I guess I am saint-like.

A few days ago I was at the Chester County library and I went to the site and saw the creepiest, weirdo video clip that had me laughing so hard I had to go to another site and pretend I was at a funeral - I'm not kidding. I was giggling like an idiot and my shoulders were bouncing up and down with my laughter. Some guy (not the famous blogger) was looking at me like I was a fool. It was one of those moments, like when you're in church, praying to baby Jesus and a big fat guy blows his nose with a hanky or the Priest says something wrong like, "...and Jesus fried alone for our sins" - you know.

Once I calmed down, I went back to see who is responsible for this blog and I see it's Jen and "2 fools". When I click 2 Fools, it sets me off again because here's what I see: huh?

Anyways, here's clip that put me over the edge (note that I would put a direct link to the vid I'd have to show you the unrelated part of the post and you'd be confused):

(P.S. I stole the idea of honoring a blog post from by best friend Falwless).

Thursday, August 7, 2008

How To Read My Amazing Blog The Correct Way

I must take a quick second to thank my most favorite blogger, Falwless at Lots Better Than Your Blog. She wrote a post today about one of MY brilliant posts. Here's a clip of what she wrote:

So I'm at his blog on Monday and I'm looking back through the days-old entries and I reread the one with the YouTube of the Swedish lady licking the ice cream cone. And I get to the sentence "Some stupider and uglier people would have have tossed the whole cone into the trash can and left it for the yellow jackets." And as I get to the yellow jackets part, I realize that it is a link -- a link I had not noticed before. So I click it. And it opens this

She is a smart one that Falwless. But many of you readers aren't as bright, talented and in love with me as this lass. So I'd like to give you a few tips on how to maximize your reading pleasure at my award winning blog because it's not something that you just pick up and start reading.

Here are some tips:

1) Announce that you're going to read it to whomever is around you. If they don't hear you, you're not talking loud enough. Fashion a bullhorn out of a coned piece of paper. Speaking into the small side will somehow magically make your sound come out louder. (Don't worry, the loud sound will come out of the large side - so it can't hurt you).

2) Once some listeners crowd around, ask them to sit cross legged on the floor and tell them to pretend they're about to hear an old time radio broadcast. Make an old time arched radio out of cardboard and tape it to the back of your laptop to really give them a great effect. Think the Waltons. If one smart ass says something like, "Good night Mary Ellen", have this person removed immediately! Don't even let someone go disrepectin' this blog!
3) When you see words that are a different color, click on the word. This is a "link" and a crazy treat might pop up. It's like biting into a piece of hard candy and you break a tooth. You didn't expect your tooth to break but now you'll get some valuable tooth fairy money.

4) Change your voice at the parts where someone is talking. (Unless you're the man of a thousand voices like me, stick to the easy voices: John Wayne, gay guy or Jewish person - you know - any of the Robin Williams voices).

5) Once you get to the end, click on the "comments". This is an area that other readers - like you - can leave funny comments or praise for me. Are these commenters paid writers ? Nope. In fact, most are real people.
6) If you have something funny to say (or praise for me) consider leaving a comment. Don't just write anything. Do what all the commenters do which is brainstorm some ideas, then try the ideas out on a friend, a policeman or a member of the clergy. If the person is honest, they'll tell you if the comment is going to "work". If you do write something stupid and ruin the tone and tempo of this this blog, you will regret it. So make sure it's a comment worth reading.

7) And most of all, have fun and be safe. Now let's go do some That Blue Yak reading.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Yak Sculpture at Downingtown Tuesday Morning Might Be Stolen

Would it be morally OK for me to shoplift the $140 glazed porcelain sculpture of a mother and child yak that I saw at Downingown's Tuesday Morning store yesterday? First of all, what are the odds that I would see this sculpture? I mean, has anyone EVER seen a sculpture of a yak -let alone two of them in one loving pose? Don't you think that it's pretty much MY sculpture now?

I mean, if security caught me and I just whipped open my jacket to show them the embroidered "That Blue Yak" logo on my $120 Egyptian pima cotton shirt - don't you think they'd just look at me then the yak sculpture - then me... and just let me go?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

West Chester PA Blogger Considers Testing Out A Skull Topped Walking Stick

OK. If you asked people that know me what I'm like, many would say conservative, rich, nice smelling, groovy. Not many would say "a walking stick type of guy". Well guess what? I don't care. Reason? Check out the walking stick above. The red one. Not the plain, middle America, stupid silver one. I just it at saw at Can you imagine me strutting down the halls of That Blue Yak Enterprises with my bad ass "walking stick skull red"?

It may seem stupid to uncool people. They just don't get it. But for those who get it, imagine when someone asks. "Dr Zibbs, are you able to help me locate the bus stop?"

In the days of old, I would have wasted "potential cool building time" pointing my finger - like any square commoner. Not anymore. In 3 - 6 weeks when Walking Stick Skull Red arrives (aka: Skully), I'll pause, then simply look at the person, tap the tip on the ground, raise an eyebrow with bus stop knowing knowledge and give a wide double twirl and say, "Over there my friend, over there." (pointing Skully in the direction). I'm still working on what accent I'll have to start talking with but whatever it is - you know I'll have it down pat.

I'll then cooly strut my junk down the lane. You'll see.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Enough With the Phone Calls

OK people. You've crashed our system. We know you want a new blog post but blogger isn't letting us post the picture that is needed for the unbelievable post we just wrote. So you'll have to wait. So please, stop calling. Our phone ladies are already stressed from my constant berating.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

When You Read My Blog, This Is What Happens

Here's a video of that some gal made of herself while reading my award winning blog. Now it does take her a while to get though the post and I wish she had turned down the radio, but overall it's precious and adorable.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Monkey Attack Saturday

OK. You've got watch this chimp video till the end. That's where you'll get the "Pay Off". And if you ask me, that wise (ass) owl had it coming. Also, you've got to love the guffaws at the end from the insensitive audience. I used to love Mutual of Omaha show.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Swedish Go-Getter Won't Let Ice Cream Disaster Stop Her

This Ice Cream commercial you've got to see. What could have turned into a disaster on a hot day, turns into a study of an enterprising young Swedish whipper snapper getting an ice cold treat.

I will tell you my favorite part in this video. It's starts at 17 seconds in. Look at that young lady. Ice Cream is dripping down the cone - she's not gonna let it get away. Some stupider and uglier people would have have tossed the whole cone into the trash can and left it for the yellow jackets. Not Inga. She smartly takes a lick of the whole shaft of the cone, then eagerly takes a full in mouth ice cream treat. That's the spirit. She understands that there's some drippage. Will that bother her? "Forget that noise!" (she probably says).


The 2008 That Blue Yak Postee Hall of Fame

Congrats. You've won the 2008 THAT BLUE YAK POSTEE Hall OF FAME Award (a Postee).

This is a list of the funniest or most bizarre blog posts you've seen on the ISH (Information Super Highway). Once you are awarded with this prestigious award, you are hereby ordered to do the following:

A) Find a blog post that you find funny or completely bizarre.
B) Add the name of the post (with link) to the list below.
C) Add award given by and a link to your blog.
D) Copy and paste the previous winners so we'll end up with a big ole' list of hysterical blog posts.
E) Make sure to show the amazing That Blue Yak Post-ee Award as well as a link to That Blue Yak.
F) Tell the person that they've won in the comments section of their blog or with electronic mail. If they don't comply within 2 days tell them they've failed and pick someone else. Write something like "failure to comply" next to their name.
G) Don't fail.

Here's the beginning with one of my classic posts - followed by my pick.
1) Pear Body Shape -Let's get Learnin' - this post is about people with Pear shaped bodies. WTF? Awarded by me - Dr Zibbs from That Blue Yak
2) Really Sh*tty Ideas - This post is about crappy ideas. I love Lots Better Then Your Blog. Awarded my That Blue Yak.
3) ?

Wear Your Wig To Work Day Video Premier

Here is a test video I made a while ago called Wear Your Wig to Work Day. I literally put this thing together in 2 minutes. That's how talented I am. It's not as good as the other That Blue Yak produced video called The Gypsy Foot Care Factory, but it's OK. If you're smart, you'll subscribe (for free), to my YouTube channel because I'm totally going to be making more original motion pictures like these soon. You'll see.

Imagine that you, the reader, sees one of my videos first and instead of greeting coworkers with the boring, "It's hump day - right on", you'll be saying, "Did you see the new That Blue Yak video called the International House of Bag? It's great! What other crazy things do you think he has in his bag of tricks?"

Also, note the range of voices I've used from the Gypsy Foot Care Factory to the Wear Your Wig to Work Day. That's me voicing BOTH! Do you think they gave me the "Fred Travalena of Chester County voice award" for doing Cagney? No.