Thursday, May 31, 2007

West Chester Man May Have Completed Refinishing Rocking Chair

West Chester, PA

West Chester resident Mike McCain may have completed his year long refinishing of a rocking chair. The rocking chair, which McCain claims was his grandfather's is no longer sitting in his garage.

"I don't think he finished it", a skeptical Rob Jones said when asked about the chair. "First of all, the chair was there for like a year. You'd come into the garage and he'd be sanding away. I've been suspicious that the sand paper was picked up when he'd hear my footsteps walking up the driveway, but I can't be sure".

The chair, a spitting image for those sold at Michael's Crafts in Exton, was the garage centerpiece for months. Now, it's mysteriously gone. McCain claims it's completed but when neighbors ask to see it, he changes the subject very quickly.
Neighbor Tim Steinbacher also thinks something is a bit fishy,
"It was weird, the damn thing was the centerpiece of the garage. He be sanding away, just waiting for me to ask about his sanding technique. I asked once and had to listen for three hours about his 'theory' on counter clockwise sanding for older chairs. This was after he claimed that the chair was his grandfather's. I swear he said that his grandfather killed Hitler but I can't be sure. I may have day dreamed that as a defense mechanism for battling the sanding diatribe. The bottom line is that the chair is gone and something ain't right."
A full neighborhood investigation is underway.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Kroft Brothers' "Dr. Shrinker" Receives Rave Reviews

The Krofft Brother. What can be said? Enjoy the opening credits of Dr. Shrinker, followed by a review of the 1976 show.

"I like the little midget. He's funny cause he's small and stuff" - Timmy - student

"The subtle expressions of the mad scientist, played by Jay Robinson should serve as a template for all actors looking to master their crafts". James Lipton - Inside the Actor's Studio

"43 seconds in, that Billy Barty is haulin' ass - but almost in a sideways run - I recommend some orthopedic inserts for that little rascal". Erin Mann - Foot Specialist.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Rosie O'Donnell Blames Argument On Rumored Cheeseburger Sale

According to Fox News, Rosie is trying to patch things up with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The real reason for the problems has been uncovered by That Blue YAK. It seems that Rosie's freak out is a direct result of a rumored upcoming Wendy's promotion of buy one double Cheeseburger - get one free. Jay Hash, Rosie's assistant of six years explains,

" Rosie is all about food. Wendy's has NEVER had a buy one get one free promotion on ANYTHING other than fries. And I know this because Rosie would tell us everyday that 'WENDY'S NEVER HAS A BUY ONE GET ONE ON BURGERS'. I think that on a certain level, it was Rosie's body telling that she needed to do something that would give her some time off so she could prepare for this very important Cheeseburger promotion."
Wendy's has announced the slaughter of an additional 10% more cows in preparation for the Rosie gorge fest.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Plus Size Store Catherine's To Change Name To Fatty Fat Fatso's

Exton PA

Bensalem, PA retailer Charming Shoppes announced that Catherine's - it's clothing store that caters to plus sized women - will be getting a new name. The stores will now be branded as "Fatty Fat Fatso's". The Exton store in the Whiteland Town Center is the first to receive the make over. According to Charming Shoppes VP of Marketing Tina Mertz,

"The Catherine's brand has suffered in recent years in a time when obesity is on the rise. The reason we believe is that some fat people don't even know that we sell fat clothes -the name sure doesn't tell them we are a fat store. By changing the name to Fatty Fat Fatso's, there will be no confusion."
This Memorial Day weekend, Fatty Fat Fatso's will be luring patrons in with burgers, pizzas and chocolate. Mertz also proudly explains their aggressive marketing plans,
"We've tied baked hams to the bumpers of our new Fatty Fat Fatso trucks and will be scouring the area. We're predicting at least 1000 fat people will be lured into the stores like rats by the smell of hams. Once inside - and they catch their breath, they'll be able to enjoy 30% off all fat clothes - which are all ready at very low prices. We're also premiering our new line of 'Let yourself go Moo-Moos. We're very excited."

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

McGlinch Blogger Accused of Exhuming Body Of Henry Creator Carl Anderson To Retrieve Pen

The grave of Carl Anderson, the creator of Henry has been tampered with and we want nothing to do with it. According to THAT BLUE YAK Human Resources manager Mike Hopton, the AussieJourno - THAT BLUE YAK Awards 2007 may have led to foul play.

"We have reason to believe that Billy D. Grear, an intern at THAT BLUE YAK may have tampered with ballots for this prestigious award. It seems Billy D. Grear is a comic fanatic, and appears to have bribed the McGlinch blogger with a win - in return for the "Henry" comic creator Carl Anderson's prized pen."
Ted Poliski, a fellow intern is the hero that narced him out,
"That Grear dude was a creep from the day he started. All he would talk about was comics. Not comic book characters like Superman and Batman, but the crappy ones like Henry, Nancy and Hi and Lois."
"It was very crazy last week with the awards happening and all, but I swear I heard him say something like, 'This is how it's gonna happen, you exhume the body of the Henry creator, snatch the pen that's gripped in his cold dead fingers and bring it to me in return for the blogger award' -..or something like that."
While the investigation unfolds, we would like to once again congratulate McGlinch on his award and thank him for the picture that he drew per our detailed, specific instructions:

Monday, May 21, 2007

Malvern Police Welcome Country's First Macaroni Sketch Artist

Malvern, PA

Malvern Pennsylvania police have welcomed what is believed to be the nation's first police sketch artist who works exclusively in the medium of macaroni. The Chester County Chamber of Commerce welcomed Neil Bartrum to the area with a macaroni art exhibition at their headquarters in Malvern.

Police Chief Bernard Zurlo, explains the decision to hire a macaronist,

"We've had a string of police sketch artist failures in the past few years. Our typical test is to describe the attributes of a person and have the artist simply give us their best rendering. In our last search, we described Abraham Lincoln. The sketches we received were some of the worst we've seen in years - I mean - horrendous sketches with no resemblance at all to Lincoln. For God's sake, of our top three contenders, not ONE had a beard. Is this what the art schools are turning out?"
Chief Zurlo explains that his wife, a craft enthusiast was the first to suggest looking toward the macaroni arts as an alternative to traditional pencil artists. The suggestion paid off and Mr. Neil "San Francisco Treat" Bartrum officially starts his duties/macaroni art creations May 23.

Friday, May 18, 2007

That Blue Yak Announces Top Winners of AussieJourno Blog

It's official, THAT BLUE YAK has picked the top 4 blogs posted on THE AUSSIEJOURNO Blog.

We would like to say, "we're all winners" - but we're not. Frankly, there are a few terrible, terrible blogs. You know who you are and we encourage you to suppress what you see as your creative outlet and consider just watching tv. If you REALLY can't help yourselves from writing, we encourage you to consider the alternative to blogging:

1) Write your thoughts on paper

2) Read the thoughts (sorry, no sharing)

3) Throw the paper in the trash.

4) Return to couch for tv viewing.

Without further delay, the winners in descending order are:

TIN FOIL METAL: Shrink Wrapped Scream - Interesting blog. The link here features a young lad who is a dead ringer for a Young Sly Stallone with a dash of Liza.

BRONZE METAL: Bob's Diary -Very Special. Just as McGlinch has offered to draw requests, we're hoping that Bob will also take requests. Our request is to see B.T.Bear dressed as an evil clown and "busted" by someone as he hides in the fridge and gnaws on a chicken carcass.

SILVER METAL Copper Stiletto Sexy without being sassy, artsy without being fartsy.

GOLD METAL McGlinch - This young whippersnapper is very talented and we appreciate his never ending drawings of freaks.

We ask that McGlinch print out the Curling Trophy featured in this blog entry and with a sharpie, write:

AussieJourno - "THAT BLUE YAK Award Winner 2007 - I am the best, and everyone else is the worst".

We ask that you then get a crappy frame from Michael's Crafts, put said picture in frame and hang it on your wall with pride.

We also would like to request that McGlinch whips up a picture of himself accepting the award at THAT BLUE YAK headquarters since he will not be invited for real since he has been banned from our properties.

Congratulations winners.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

That Blue Yak Staff Held Hostage By Gilbert and Sullivan Freaks

First of all, our deepest apologies. As we mentioned in our last blog entry, THAT BLUE YAK had temporarily closed in preparation for the Aussie Award Guest Celebration - then, nothing. In preparation, our staff's dancing and singing skills developed so greatly, that we were actually attacked by members of the Gilbert and Sullivan Society of Chester County (PA) and were held hostage since.

Frankly, it was very frightening. The troupe of actors tortured us with threats, mind manipulation and a never ending performance of the Pirates of Penzance.

Their goal: to recruit our top notch talent to their two bit acting troupe.
The result: Eleven suicides by THAT BLUE YAK staff members and thirteen deaths to members of the Gilbert and Sullivan troupe.
The Compromise: That Blue Yak has agreed to donate Stanley Burke - from finance - to the G & S Society. He will remain with them as a slave. We have also agreed to purchase the remaining 123 "Trial By Jury" promotional key chains from their 2001 summer stock series.

In return, the G & S Society has vowed never to set foot on our property again.

So, we're back. Please stay tuned for the Aussie Blog results.